emilyg's Blog

01:31 AM USA/ET - Edit history (3)

Subject: TWO WOMEN

Two Women waiting in line at the Pearly Gates to get into heaven and
started to strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first woman asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first woman. "How does it feel to freeze to
death?

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second woman. "You get
the
shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But
eventually,
it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off,
as if all were peacful and quiet..

How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first woman.
"You see, I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed
up at
home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone,
watching
TV. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran
up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast

as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive
heart attack and died
The second woman shakes her head.

"That's so ironic," she says.
....... "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we would both still be alive..

A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted nights sleep.
NEW Wine for Seniors
I kid you not...

California vintners in the
Napa Valley area,
which primarily produce
Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot
Grigio wines,
have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the
bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be
marketed as

PINO MORE

02  06  08

16  19

23  24  29

34  36

47     58    66

79     89

A  co-worker  got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and

remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that

now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to

use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabbed

a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he

finished the note.

About 20 minutes later, one of

my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the

lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to

investigate.

Below is what he found. Sometimes things don't always come out the way

you want them to........

DON'T TOUCH

PEN IS

STUCK!

OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing..'

The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

Holidays are here and the 6th grade teacher doesn't know what to do with the class on the last day. It's about one hour to the final bell 

She comes up with a little game for the 6th graders. She'll state a  well know comment from a famous person and the first to name the famous person gets to go home early.
Little Johnny is all excited. He knows that he's the smartest person in the class and he'll get the first answer and go home early.

So, the teacher says, class tell me who said "Four scores and seven years ago." before she could finish, little Sarah shouts out, "Abraham Lincoln."
Very good Sarah, you can go home.. Have a nice holiday.

Little Johnny is upset. In his mind she should not have been given the point since she didn't raise her hand. But, the next one is his.
Next, the teacher asks, class tell me who s aid "I have a dream." again before she could finish and before Johnny could get a breath, little Nancy shouts out, "Martin Luther King."
Very good Nancy . You can go home. Have a nice holiday.

Johnny is really upset now. He's fuming and doesn't like these girls getting the best of him. The next one is his, no doubt about it.
The teacher turns back to the class and asks, tell me, who said "Ask not what.." Again, before she could finish, and just when Johnny was starting to yell out the name, little Emily shouts out, "John Kennedy." Very good Emily, you can go home now. Have a happy holiday.

While the teacher was saying goodbye to Emily, Johnny was ready to burst! He couldn't stand it anymore. He pounds his fists on the desk and yells out, "I WISH ALL THESE BI****S WOULD KEEP THEIR MOUTHS SHUT!!"

Startled, the teacher turns to the class and demands, WHO SAID THAT??
Quickly, Johnny stands up and says, "Herman Cain! Can I go home now??"

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to
touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the
Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said
that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it
would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itchingpowder and poured a
little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon
being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio
informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for
four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that,
among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would
work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their
chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching
powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick
worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and
was hailed by the King and Queen as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of
1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have
cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King
and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder
into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick . . .

The moral of the story - Pay your  bills.

00 06  08

12  17  18  19

25  26  27  28  29

34  36  37  38

45  48

66        78

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state
police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This
driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls
the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five little old ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that
driving slower than the speed limit can also be a
danger to other drivers"

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says quite proudly. The state police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned sheepishly and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, ma'am, I have to ask...is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer says with concern.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, Officer. We just got off Route 119."

A Kentucky  PROUD PAPA

The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman
president who happens to be from Kentucky. A few days after the election the president-elect, whose name is Debra, calls her father and says, "So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a 10 hour drive."

"Don 't worry about it Dad, I'll send Air Force One. And a limousine will
pick you up at your door."

"I don't know Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?"

"Oh Dad," replies Debra, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown
custom-made by the best designer in Washington ."

"Honey," Dad complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you eat."

The President-to-be responds, " Don 't worry Dad. The entire affair will be handled by the best caterer in Washington ; I'll ensure your meals are salt free. You and mom just have to be there."

So Dad reluctantly agrees, and on January 20, 2017, Debra is being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row sits the new
president's dad and mom.

Dad, noticing the senator sitting next to him, leans over and whispers, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States ."

The Senator whispers back, "You bet I do."

Dad says proudly, "Her brother played basketball for Kentucky"

01  02  04  05  07

15  16

27  29

35  37  38

44  46

55

67  69           78

Merry Xmas to all

A TOUCHING CHRISTMAS STORY

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the  mall was packed.

Walking through the mall the surprised wife looked up and noticed her husband was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.

She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was.

The husband in a calm voice said, honey remember the jewelry store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day.

His wife said, crying, yes I remember that jewelry store.

He said, well I'm in the bar next to it.

01  02  04  05

15  17  18

28             35

45  46  49

56  59

68   78   89

01  07  08

12  13  14  16  18

24  25  26

34

45  48

57  59

66           88

little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.

Crabby Old Man

What do you see nurses? . . . . . What do you see?
What are you thinking . . . . . when you're looking at me?
A crabby old man . . . . . not very wise,
Uncertain of habit . . . . . with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food . . . . . and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . . . . . 'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice . . . . . the things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not . . . . . lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . . . . . The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? . . . . . Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse . . . . . you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am. . . . . . As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, . . . . . as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . . . . . with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters . . . . . who love one another.

A young boy of Sixteen . . . . with wings on his feet.
Dreaming that soon now . . . . . a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . . . my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows . . . . . that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now . . . . . I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . . . . . My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . . . . With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons . . . . . have grown and are gone,
But my woman's beside me . . . . . to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . . My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me . . . . . my wife is now dead.
I look at the future . . . . . shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing . . . . . young of their own.
And I think of the years . . . . . and the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man . . . . . and nature is cruel.
'Tis jest to make old age . . . . . look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles . . . . . grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone . . . . where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass . . . . . a young guy still dwells,
And now and again . . . . . my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys . . . . . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . . . . life over again.

I think of the years, all too few . . . . . gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . . . that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people . . . . . open and see.
Not a crabby old man . . . Look closer . . . see ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within.

We will all, one day, be there, too!

PLEASE SHARE THIS POEM

The best and most beautiful things of this world can't be seen or touched.  They must be felt by the heart.