emilyg's Blog
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February 11, 2012, 9:44 pmMiss Kitty's prs. wk. 2-12
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Happy Valentine's Day 
February 10, 2012, 4:19 pmDarwin Award ...1
The Darwins are out!
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us---those found in the shallow end of the gene pool.
Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked
February 4, 2012, 9:42 pmMiss Kittys prs. wk. 2-5
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February 1, 2012, 7:14 pmMan in the Forest Talks to God
A man in the forest talks to God..#21
One day, a man was walking in the forest.
He shouted," God, God, are you there?"
"Yes, my dear child, I'm here!" the God replied.
"God, I want to know a few things from you," that man shouted.
"Fine, shoot."
"God what's a million dollars to you ?" He asked.
"Oh! It is like a penny," God repiled.
"Then what's a million years to you?" He asked.
"Oh! It is like a second to me."
"God, I want a favour from you."
"My dear, what is it?"
"Can you give me a million dollars?"
"Oh, sure, just a second !!!!
January 31, 2012, 5:04 pmDear Tide
I am writing to say
what an excellent product
you have.
I've used it all of my married life,
as my Mom always told me
it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties
I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago,
I spilled some red wine
on my new white blouse.
My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me
about how clumsy I was,
and generally started becoming
a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood
on my new white blouse!
I grabbed my bottle
of Tide with bleach alternative,
to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday
told me that the DNA tests
on my blouse were negative.
Then my attorney called
and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief!
Going through menopause
is bad enough without being
a murder suspect!
I thank you, once again,
for having a great product.
Well, gotta go.
I have to write to
the Hefty bag people.
January 28, 2012, 10:18 pmMiss Kitty's prs. wk 1-29
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January 28, 2012, 12:43 pmNurses (usually) don't laugh...
Nurses (usually) don't laugh...
"Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life.
In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.
And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said , "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again.
Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.
January 26, 2012, 6:53 pmHoly Prostitutes
HOLY PROSTITUTES
A man is driving down a deserted
stretch of highway when he notices
a sign out of the corner of his eye...
It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
'What may we do for you! my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.
This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY
THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
January 24, 2012, 1:00 pmGolf at 90
Adam is 90 years old.
He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"Can't remember."
January 21, 2012, 9:56 pmMiss Kitty's Prs. Wk. 1-22
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January 21, 2012, 9:52 pmLaugh with the Little Ones
LAUGH WITH THE LITTLE ONES
Laughter is the key! Listen to the laughter of the Little Ones; as they laugh, the stars radiate with joy. For their laughter is joy and hope for the new light shining on planet Earth--the planet of free choice, the planet of laughter. Are not our children too serious? What about the elders? Are they not teaching the Little Ones by their examples? Laugh with this, and understand that the Little Ones need to, as well. Their hearts demand it. The stars demand it. The universe demands it. Laughter is necessary for the planet to continue to vibrate with love, joy, and peace. Laugh with the Little Ones!
~ The Indigo Children, by Lee Carroll and Jan Tober ~
www.kryon.com
January 18, 2012, 11:51 amAn Italian Tomato Garden
The Italian Tomato Garden
An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
January 14, 2012, 9:31 pmMiss Kitty's prs. wk. 1-15
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January 14, 2012, 2:16 pmChuckle for the day
A little chuckle For your day!!!!
Absolutely Priceless !!!!!!!!!!
A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1.
Don't change horses
Kid said
until they stop running.
2.
Strike while the
Kid said
bug is close.
3.
It's always darkest before
Kid said
Daylight Saving Time.
4.
Never underestimate the power of
Kid said
termites.
5.
You can lead a horse to water but
Kid said
how?
6.
Don't bite the hand that
Kid said
looks dirty.
7.
No news is
Kid said
impossible.
8.
A miss is as good as a
Kid said
Mr.
9.
You can't teach an old dog new
Kid said
math.
10.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll
Kid said
stink in the morning.
11.
Love all, trust
Kid said
me.
12.
The pen is mightier than the
Kid said
pigs.
13.
An idle mind is
Kid said
the best way to relax.
14.
Where there's smoke there's
Kid said
pollution.
15.
Happy the bride who
Kid said
gets all the presents.
16.
A penny saved is
Kid said
not much.
17.
Two's company, three's
kid said
the Musketeers.
18.
Don't put off till tomorrow what
kid said
you put on to go to bed.
19.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and
kid said
you have to blow your nose.
20.
There are none so blind as
Kid said
Stevie Wonder.
21.
Children should be seen and not
Kid said
spanked or grounded.
22.
If at first you don't succeed
Kid said
get new batteries.
23.
You get out of something only what you
Kid said
see in the picture on the box.
24.
When the blind lead the blind
Kid said
get out of the way.
25.
A bird in the hand
Kid said
is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26.
Better late than
Kid said
pregnant.
January 12, 2012, 1:56 pmWhy Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns
Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work,leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile from down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband'shelp. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with my neighbor's daughter!
I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they have been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counseling, and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need your advice urgently. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. It could also be that the fuel pump itself is faulty.
I hope this helps, John
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