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ochoop17's Blog

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Today, 12:08 pmThe Teacher

The Teacher says to the class: Who ever stands up is stupid
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: I said who ever stands up is STUPID!
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: Johnny, do you really think that you are stupid?
Little Johnny: No Mrs, I just thought that maybe you are lonely being the only one standing.

Entry #2,817
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Yesterday, 1:33 pmHow Can..

How can a pants pocket be empty and still have something in it?

Entry #2,816
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February 26, 2015, 11:34 amA deserted Island

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stranded on a deserted island.
One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.
The genie says: "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one".
The brunette says, "Ive been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home". POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
Then, the red head says: "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too". POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks: "My dear, whats the matter?" The blonde whimpers: "I wish my friends were still here."

Entry #2,815
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February 25, 2015, 11:44 amWhat Has..

WHAT HAS A HEAD EVERY NIGHT BUT DOESN'T EVERY MORNING?

Entry #2,814
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February 24, 2015, 10:50 amKnowing Woman

Question: What do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is?
Answer:  a widow.

Entry #2,813
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February 23, 2015, 12:13 pmWhat Am I ?

If you throw me from the window,
I will leave a grieving wife.
Bring me back, but in the door, and
You'll see someone giving life!

What am I?

Entry #2,812
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February 22, 2015, 11:22 amWife & Husband

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

Entry #2,811
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February 21, 2015, 11:07 amWhat Am I ?

My author's uncertain yet my title's the same,
I contain random text yet order's my aim.
Read me one day and see my pages are totally bare.
Try again another day and the words will be there.
I'm not a book of magic although it may sound,
I can predict the future, and inside, your life can be found.
Move my eye, I become involved in lactic extraction.
But that's just a clue, a minor distraction.

What am I?

Entry #2,810
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February 19, 2015, 11:31 amMark 17

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Entry #2,809
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February 18, 2015, 11:48 amIf A Farmer..

If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Entry #2,808
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February 17, 2015, 9:52 amTop Ten Excuses For Falling Asleep At Your Desk

1 "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
2 "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
3 "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
4 "Amen"
5 "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
6 "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
7 "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."
8 "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
9 "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
10

"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

Entry #2,807
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February 16, 2015, 11:20 amWhen Is..


When is your mind like a rumpled bed?

Entry #2,806
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February 15, 2015, 12:31 pmA New Car

"Times were hard in Russia after the cold war, but there was determined young man who wanted to buy a new car. He saved for many years until he had just the right amount. Immediately, he went to the car dealer and said, 'I want to buy a new car!' 'That's good,' replied the car dealer. We will get a car for you soon. Come back here in eight years and three months ... we'll have your car.' The man replied, 'Will that be morning or afternoon?' The car dealer was surprised. 'Does it really matter?' he asked. 'Yes,' the man said, 'it really matters. The plumber promised me that he would come that day too.'"

Entry #2,805
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February 13, 2015, 11:56 amRiddle Me

Riddle me! riddle me! What is that: Over your head and under your hat?

Entry #2,804
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February 12, 2015, 11:28 amThree Men

Three Men Are Standing At The Pearly Gates St. Peter tells them, “As you all know God has a sense of humor and his latest idea is to put the Kingdom of Heaven several hundred miles from the Pearly Gates.”

 

“How is that supposed to be funny?” one guy asks.

“Well, God had the novel idea of allowing those admitted into Heaven a vehicle to travel that distance, but the quality of your vehicle is based upon how faithful you were to your spouse.”

Knowing they can’t argue and that God obviously knows all, the men begin confessing their infidelity. “I admit I screwed around behind my wife’s back, but I broke it off with the girl before my wife found out.” One man admits.

“Very well,” St. Peter responds and gives him a standard bicycle. The guy shrugs and feels a little better confessing.

The second man says with a grin, “I’ve never actually cheated on my wife.” St. Peter raises a skeptical brow. “Okay… There was one time, but it was technically before we were married! I was drunk and I didn’t know what I was doing but I’ve never been unfaithful after that!”

With a heavy sigh St. Peter grants the second man a car–but in terrible condition.

The third man says proudly, “I’ve never been unfaithful. Never.”

The other two stare at the third in disbelief.

“No, he’s right.” St. Peter confirms. “He’s been faithful the whole time. In fact he lost his virginity to his wife.” The other two men gape in jealous amazement as the third man is granted a brand new sports car.

The third man obviously can make it down the long, glittering highway toward the Kingdom of Heaven faster than the other two. However, the first man on the bicycle finds the third man pulled over not too far down the road. Perplexed, he rides to the sports car and finds the man sobbing into his steering wheel.

“What’s wrong, wise-guy, is this Italian muscle too much for you?” he gloats.

“No…” the third man tries to gain composure. “It’s not that… The car is beautiful!”

“Then what’s your problem?”

“I just passed my wife…. and she was on roller-skates.”

Entry #2,803
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