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July 9, 2014, 9:10 amThe Centipede
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered.
The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede.
20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede.
By this point the man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede!
He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede?
So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"
July 8, 2014, 12:09 pmYou Can..
You can do this with your friends. You can do this with your nose. But don’t do it with your friend’s nose!
July 7, 2014, 10:28 amFirst Class
A beautiful blonde woman boards a plane to L.A. with a ticket for coach. Once she boards, she chooses an empty seat in first class. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman she has to move back.
The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to L.A."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the <snip>pit and informs the captain. The captain goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.
She immediately gets up, hugs the captain and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The flight attendant asks what he said to the woman.
"I just told her that the first class section isn't going to L.A."
July 6, 2014, 1:23 pmSlim And Tall
I am slim and tall
Many find me desirable and appealing. They touch me and I give a false good feeling. Once I shine in splendor
But only once and then no more. For many I am "to die for". What am I?
July 5, 2014, 10:30 amWhat Does An Egret Taste Like ?
The local game warden in a small town in Oregon had arrested a man for killing and eating an Egret. The man went before a judge to plead his case. After pleading guilty, but with an explanation, the judge asked him why he did it.
“I was just trying to feed my hungry family,” he told the judge, “and I’ve never done anything like that before.”
The judge, being a family man himself, had a soft heart and agreed to let the man go free, since he was only trying to feed his starving family and it was his first and only offense.
“Before you go, though, I want to ask you a question,” the judge quipped, “What does Egret taste like?”
“Well your Honor,” the man told him, “Its not as tender as Spotted Owl but its better than Bald Eagle!”
July 4, 2014, 11:41 amWhat Am I ?
When you do not know what I am, then I am something. But when you know what I am, then I am nothing.
What am I?
July 3, 2014, 8:06 amOne Talented Hamster
One Talented Hamster
A mangy-looking' guy goes into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says,
"No way. I don't think you can pay for it."
The guy says,
"You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says,
"Only if what you show me isn't risqué."
"Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster.
He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says,
"You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano."
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
The guy says,
"It's a deal."
He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it.
The bartender says to the guy,
"Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!"
"Not so," says the guy.
"The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"
July 2, 2014, 1:36 pmRomeo And Juliet
Romeo and Juliet are found dead on the floor in a bedroom. When they were discovered, there were pieces of glass and some water on the floor. The only furniture in the room is a shelf and a bed. The house in is a remote location, away from everything except for the nearby railway track. What caused the death of Romeo and Juliet?
July 1, 2014, 9:04 amCheap Date
He took me to McDonald's, backed his car through the drive-through window, so the cashier could be on my side.
June 30, 2014, 10:43 amHow Is..
If you add eight 8s you should get a sum of 1000. How is this possible?
June 29, 2014, 12:54 pmMy Choices
It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or No," she replied.
June 28, 2014, 8:11 amEight Letter Word
Name an eight letter word that has kst in the middle, in the beginning, and at the end.
June 27, 2014, 10:39 amJohnny At The Park
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.
Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.
He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
June 26, 2014, 10:17 amWhat Is It ?
Sad, sick, or sloppy I'll help you out,
Use me right and I'll cover your snout.
June 25, 2014, 10:30 amLack Of Sleep
For a couple of years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you’re sitting at your computer reading jokes!