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Yesterday, 11:45 amThe Stockbroker At The I.R.S
The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.
Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."
"Why would you say that?" wondered the broker.
"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."
September 3, 2015, 8:37 amWhat Am I ?
I am a box that holds keys without locks, yet my keys can unlock your deepest senses. What am I?
September 2, 2015, 11:27 amDEA Officer
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for ill*gally grown dr*gs."
The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge... Show him your badge!!"
August 31, 2015, 11:56 amWhat Am I ?
I am the beginning of the end and the end of time and space. I am essential to creation and I surround every place. What am I?
August 30, 2015, 11:22 amA Burmese Man
A Burmese man visits a dentist in India.
The dentist asks him: “Don’t you have dentists in Burma?”
“Yes, we do,” the man replies, “but we’re not allowed to open our mouths.”
August 27, 2015, 11:14 amWhat Is It ?
Many have heard it, but nobody has ever seen it, and it will not speak back until spoken to. What is it?
August 26, 2015, 9:32 amWhat's The ..
"What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter"
August 25, 2015, 11:22 amWhat Are They ?
The first is needed to make quotes you see,
And it often sticks up when it's time for noon tea.
The second's biggest distinction is found
Bearing the symbol of love that is bound.
The third should be biggest but that can depend,
Never standing alone or it may offend.
The fourth is oft used when making a selection
Or if you should need a gun for protection.
The fifth is the fattest and oddest by far,
And can sometimes be found in a wrestling war.
What are they?
August 24, 2015, 9:41 amGoing Camping
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip. Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire. "Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?" I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want." So here I am.
August 22, 2015, 11:47 amWhat Does..
What does December have that other months don’t have?
August 20, 2015, 12:22 pmIn Case You..
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???...)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????..)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???.....)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
August 19, 2015, 11:34 amWhat Is..
What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
August 18, 2015, 10:02 amThree Men
There are three men in a boat with four cigarettes but no matches. How do they manage to smoke?
August 17, 2015, 11:48 amKuwaiti Woman
Several years before the Gulf War, a female journalist did a story on gender roles in Kuwait. She noted that there it was customary for women to walk 10 feet behind their husbands. After the war, she returned to Kuwait and was pleased to observe that now the men walked 10 feet behind their wives.
She approached a woman at the airport and asked, "What enabled Kuwaiti women to achieve this role reversal?"
The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."
August 16, 2015, 12:11 pmWhat Is It ?
What is it that when you take away the whole
you still have some left over?