Comment #5

Todd — Sun, 22 Nov 2015 17:20:05 GMT

My favorite Steven Wright is, "I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."

Comment #4

MADDOG10 — Thu, 19 Nov 2015 04:25:13 GMT

All of those Gems work CT. Thanks.

Comment #3

emilyg — Wed, 18 Nov 2015 20:39:18 GMT

Comment #2

CARBOB — Wed, 18 Nov 2015 15:52:36 GMT

These remind me of a friend, whose favorite saying was-"one of these days you will wake up dead".

Comment #1

jarasan — Wed, 18 Nov 2015 14:51:35 GMT

Thanks.

Original Blog Entry: Steven Wright

Coin Toss — Wed, 18 Nov 2015 13:55:33 GMT

He's the very dead pan comedian who said a mime lived upstairs so at night he'd put a blank cassette in his cassette player and played it to drive the mime nuts.

Here's some more:

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates .

His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it

back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

... [ More ]