Lottery Jokes

Reply #36

DG1USA — Wed, 29 Jan 2014 23:21:07 GMT

Excellent.

Reply #35

sully16 — Thu, 23 Jan 2014 04:09:24 GMT

Good one Astek

Reply #34

YellowSpoon — Thu, 23 Jan 2014 04:03:42 GMT

Every Sunday, I pray to God for a winning lotto ticket. Last Sunday, a voice from above says, Meet me half way. Buy one

Reply #33

Lucky Loser — Tue, 21 Jan 2014 13:13:24 GMT

When I won the lottery I decided to phone my ex-wife to rub it in.

I bet you feel gutted knowing that I've won six million quid and you could've had half if you hadn't cheated on me , I sneered at her, thinking I'd finally managed to get the last word.

On the contrary, I'm delighted for you , she replied. It's about time your balls dropped .

Bitch.

Reply #32

Astekblue — Tue, 21 Jan 2014 08:00:23 GMT

Reply #31

rdgrnr — Tue, 21 Jan 2014 07:49:08 GMT

Heh,heh,heh...

Reply #30

Astekblue — Tue, 21 Jan 2014 06:00:22 GMT

A woman wins millions in the lottery , but it is all gone in a few years because of her husbands wild spending

A couple of years later , the woman passes away of natural causes

She goes to Heaven and arrives outside the Pearly Gates

Saint Peter is watching the Gate

The woman asks him , Can I come in ???

Saint Peter said Yes Honey , its easy to get in here , you only have to spell one word

The woman said Which word is that

Saint Peter said... [ More ]

Reply #29

onlymoney — Tue, 21 Jan 2014 04:24:39 GMT

That one I never heard or saw before. ha ha I have to tell my friends that joke at work tomorrow. Hee

Reply #28

Coin Toss — Tue, 21 Jan 2014 04:20:02 GMT

A husband says to his wife, What would you do if I won Lotto?

She says, I'd take half, then leave you.

Excellent, he replies.

I won $12.00, here's $6.00.

Reply #27

OldSchoolPa — Thu, 02 Jan 2014 14:34:10 GMT

That is cold...but funny!

Has anyone ever noticed how when Bill Clinton and other progressives, especially those in the employ of any level of government, speak about issue of income inequality, they never say anything about THEIR income or that of tenured union workers' incomes being capped! Hypocrites like that cannot be credible, yet people drink the Kool-aid all the time.

Reply #26

DG1USA — Wed, 01 Jan 2014 07:54:35 GMT

Very funny...........

Reply #25

jrosina — Sat, 14 Dec 2013 00:40:12 GMT

Yep, I am @ the Post...

Reply #24

RedStang — Sat, 14 Dec 2013 00:31:30 GMT

The invisible man said he will claim anonymity if he wins tonight.

Reply #23

lottolaughs — Fri, 13 Dec 2013 17:48:58 GMT

What did one lottery machine sing to the other?

Whole lotta takin' goin' on

Reply #22

LottoBux — Fri, 13 Dec 2013 17:46:37 GMT

Divorce Letter !!

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two min... [ More ]

Reply #21

LottoBux — Fri, 13 Dec 2013 17:22:45 GMT

Reply #20

SergeM — Fri, 13 Dec 2013 12:09:37 GMT

... and you lost the ticket

Reply #19

BobP — Fri, 13 Dec 2013 12:02:51 GMT

Big lottery winner buys a house, sports car, yacht, private jet, trophy spouse with the full package. Within a year the house has burned down, the car wrecked, the yacht sank the jet crashed, divorced. Q. When asked what should be done different? A. Next time I'll rent.

BobP

Reply #18

Coin Toss — Thu, 12 Dec 2013 22:56:08 GMT

_____________________

Two guys are roommates and since there's a $400,000,000 Mega Millions jackpot going on one goes out and buys 500 tickets.

The next day he asks his roommate if he could fade him on the rent for that month and the roommate says, Yesterday didn't you show me 500 Mega Millions tickets for this drawing coming up? and the guy with the tickets says, Well I had the money for THAT.

Reply #17

hearsetrax — Thu, 12 Dec 2013 22:00:42 GMT

inserted rim shot

Reply #16

LottoBoner — Thu, 12 Dec 2013 20:04:26 GMT

I know a lotto joke.

NOISE-GATE

Reply #15

Shelby Mustang — Thu, 12 Dec 2013 19:49:26 GMT

please subsitute the word darn for the snipped portions...sorry didnt mean to cuss

Reply #14

Shelby Mustang — Thu, 12 Dec 2013 19:47:52 GMT

An old man walks into the bank and yells at the teller Hey I want to open a snip checking account . The teller goes I beg your pardon sir ? He repeats I want to open a snip checking account . Well the teller replies Sir please, we dont tolorate that kind of language in this establishment So she leaves and goes to get the manager and tells him the situation. The manager comes back and asks the man Sir what is the problem today ? The old man says There is no friggin snip problem I just won $50 mil... [ More ]

Reply #13

haymaker — Thu, 12 Dec 2013 19:41:00 GMT

Ever played the Eskimo lottery ?

You have to be Inuit to win it

Reply #12

Shelby Mustang — Thu, 12 Dec 2013 19:39:36 GMT

A guy wins 20 million in the lottery and goes to the headquarters to claim his money, he goes up to the clerk and says I want my 20 million The lotto official says No sir we give you a check for a million and you get the rest over 19 years . The guy says no I want all my money now. So they go back and forth a couple times and the guy tells the lotto official Look if you're not going to give me my 20 million I want my dollar back

Reply #11

Shelby Mustang — Thu, 12 Dec 2013 19:34:26 GMT

Have you heard about the new 3 million dollar Alabama state lottery?? The winner get $3 a year for a million years

Reply #10

Shelby Mustang — Thu, 12 Dec 2013 19:29:19 GMT

A guy wins the lottery and the lotto officials ask What are you gonna do with the money ? The guy replies Im gonna keep a promise to my homeless brother and give him a house, I'll give him the box my 65 plasma came in

Reply #9

Shelby Mustang — Thu, 12 Dec 2013 19:25:01 GMT

What lottery did the broom win?? The sweepstakes..... ba dum pish

Reply #8

duckman — Thu, 12 Dec 2013 17:53:29 GMT

Part II:

The wife says, You mean we won the lottery.

The wife adds, I am heading to my attorney's office.

The wife waves and says, See you later...

Reply #7

Shelby Mustang — Thu, 12 Dec 2013 17:00:03 GMT

LOL didnt like that one too much huh helpmewin...it's just a joke, we all know in real life she woulda got half if he wanted to kick her out...heck he might not of had to even kick, she might've been ready to walk LOL

Reply #6

Astekblue — Thu, 12 Dec 2013 16:36:32 GMT

Hello My Good and Faithful Friend dr

Made My Day

Been doing good , but been taking a break from the numbers , so havent been posting much

Your Wish above will be my Christmas Wish also

Merry Christmas dr

Reply #5

dr65 — Thu, 12 Dec 2013 16:14:38 GMT

Hi Astek! How's it been going? I do hope well. Have a great holiday and I hope the joke's on our respective

lottery this season.

May the machines turn against them, malfunction and make many more winners than losers.

Would be nice to see the 'yolk' on someone in 'central command'.

Reply #4

Astekblue — Thu, 12 Dec 2013 16:05:01 GMT

Reply #3

dr65 — Thu, 12 Dec 2013 15:02:00 GMT

Scanner reading:

Congratulations!! You won $5.00

Reply #2

helpmewin — Thu, 12 Dec 2013 13:44:25 GMT

Reply #1

hearsetrax — Thu, 12 Dec 2013 13:38:44 GMT

Lottery Jokes

wildbill7459 — Thu, 12 Dec 2013 13:31:21 GMT

A man rushes into his house and announces to his wife,

I won the lottery! Go pack your bags!

She says,

Great! Where are we going?

He looks at her blankly, pauses, and then says,

I don't care where you go. Just get the f**k out.