The End from Maxine !!! 

As we progress into 2018, I want to thank you for

your educational e-mails over the past year. I am 

totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. 

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using 

a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in 

my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on 

the lemon peel. 

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can 

only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. 

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been 

driving because the number one pastime while driving alone 

is picking one's nose. 

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I 

can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have 

consumed over the years. 

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed 

it on the floor of a public toilet. 

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo   

in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet 

sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. 

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for 

the same reason. 

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up 

in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone. 

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible 

mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers. 

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell 

like a water buffalo on a hot day. 

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered 

if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish 

within five minutes. 

Because of your concern,I no longer drink Coca Cola because   

it can remove toilet stains. 

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, 

   so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. 

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes   

seven different types of cancer. 

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water   

in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, 

disfiguring me for life. 

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a   

needle infected with AIDS when I sit down. 

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug   

me with a perfume sample and rob me. 

 I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask   

me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with 

calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan. 

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a 

big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me 

instant death when it bites my butt. 

And thanks to your great advice      I can't ever pick up a   

dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably 

placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over. 

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten 

by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off. 

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in 

the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land   

on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the 

fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you   

to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it   

actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s   

ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's   

beautician! 

Oh, and by the way... 

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study,   

has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity   

read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. 

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. 

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because   

I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out 

of the toilet.. 

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY...