OLD" IS WHEN ... Your sweetie says, " Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD " IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN ..."Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN ....An "all-nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom during the night.

AND

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are not sure if these are jokes or facts

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* Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

* Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

* Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

* Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

* Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). 

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

* Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something, which will last until the coffee is cold no matter how hot is your coffee is.

* Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

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Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A: Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A: Samson. He brought the house down.

Q: Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A: Pharaoh's daughter She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

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Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

*Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

*Do pilots take crash-courses?

*Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

*Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

*Since Americans throw rice at weddings do Orientals throw hamburgers?

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Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

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Year 1981

1. Prince Charles got married
2. liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes
4. Pope Died

Year 2005

1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes
4. Pope Died

In future, if Prince Charles decides to re-marry and Liverpool wins another European crown.... someone please warn the Australian cricket side and the Pope!

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A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.

Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, darling," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"

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"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

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Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

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The fist knocking on the door belonged to a cop. Bracing for the worst, my husband, who was working on a job site, opened up.

"Is that yours?" asked the officer, pointing to a company van that was jutting out into the narrow street.

"Uhh, yes it is," said my husband.

"Would you mind moving it?" asked the officer. "We've set up a speed trap, and the van's causing everyone to slow down."