When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac." He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour." She says, "How much for all night?"

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

And as for the best one saved for last,

I really think what the mars rover is really scouting for is the next Wal-Mart Superstore site.