A rather drunk man was walking along the street one day. He was staggering quite a bit and made two nuns that were approaching him very nervous, so the two nuns split apart and one walked to the man's left and one walked to the man's right.

After the nuns were past the man, he turned around and said, "Now how in the hell did she do that?"

A guy dials his home phone number and a strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid," answers the woman.

"We don't have a maid," says the man.

The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house."

The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

The woman replies, "She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming and says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

The maid says, "What will I have to do?"

The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts the phone down and the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"

The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."

Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a pool."

The man pauses for a moment and says, "Ummmm… Is this 567-5309?"

Grandma writes:

The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a "Honk if you really love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought
about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. Why, it was like a football game with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go"! Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him
yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away. Praise
the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Love ya all,
Grandma

A man was standing in line waiting to go into a movie theater when he suddenly felt the guy behind him massaging his shoulders. He turned around and said, "Hey, what the hell are you doing?"

The guy stammered, "Oh, I'm terribly sorry. It's just that I'm a chiropractor and I could tell you were pretty tense, and without even realizing it, I started to release the tension and help you relax."

"That's hogwash," the man cried. "I'm a lawyer, and you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me!"

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house," the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."

The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini Skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. .

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn''t!.

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give little more slack and again was unable to make the step..

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line Picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. .

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, Screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don''t even know who you are!".

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma''am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

An elderly couple named Sam and Helen are vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots and seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly. He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Helen?"

Helen looks him over, "Nope."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Helen looks again and again says, "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?"

Helen looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

To which Helen replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam, shoulda bought a hat."

Definition of words by gender

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1

Ventriliquist cowboy walks into town and sees Indian sitting on his porch.

Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?

Indian: Dog no talk.

Cowboy: Hey dog, hows it going?

Dog: Doin alright.

Indian: [extreme look of shock]

Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]

Dog: Yep

Cowboy: How's he treat you?

Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me
to the lake once a week to play.

Indian: [look of disbelief]

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?

Indian: Horse no talk.

Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it going?

Horse: Cool.

Indian: [extremer look of shock]

Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]

Horse: Yep

Cowboy: How's he treat you?

Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me
down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.

Indian: [total look of amazement]

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep?

Indian: Sheep Lie!!

A couple were having financial problems until finally they couldn't stand it any more. The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by.

So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.

"So, how much have you earned today?" the husband asked.

"Well", the woman responded, "I've made one hundred dollars and fifty cents."

"That's strange", the husband responded, "who gave you the fifty cents?"

The woman replied, "All of them, of course!"

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no no !" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

A guy walks into a drugstore and asks for a package of condoms.

"I'm afraid I can only sell them to you if you're married." The druggist says.

"Well, I am, "replies the guy.

"You'll have to prove it," says the drugist.

So the guy rushes back home, gets his marriage certificate, shows it to the drugist and finally gets his condoms.

A few days later, the same guy comes back in & tells the druggist he needs to get some flea powder for his dog.

"Got a dog license?" the drugist asks.

The guy reluctantly trudges home in a rage and gets the dog license and is finally handed his flea powder.

The next day he's back in the shop and hands the drugist a screw-top-jar.

"Here, smell this," he tells the drugist.

"The drugist unscrews the lid and takes a whiff.

"That smells like Sh-t!" cries the drugist, wrinkling his nose.

"Correct," says the guy. "Now two rolls of toilet paper please."