ochoop17's Blog

A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here."

"You don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, he can talk."

"Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you 100 bucks."

The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?"

"Roof!"

"Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?"

"Bark!"

"And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"

"Ruth!"

"I guess you've heard enough," says the man. "I'll take the 100 in 20s."

The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before I belt you."

As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do you think I should have said DiMaggio?"

There's this cathedral that's still being worked on, and the workers have rigged a "cage elevator" inside so they can get material up and down to the upper floors. A characteristic of these "cage elevators" is that the doors (gate) must be closed manually for them to be "called" to another floor.

One day one of the workers, Peter by name, takes the elevator to the top floor, and it is subsequently needed on the first floor by the sexton. Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open. After the sexton rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yells up for the worker to send the lift back down. Visitors to the cathedral were treated to this sight: The sexton of the cathedral, head tipped up, yelling up to the heavens:

"Peter! CLOSE THE GATES!!!"

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and with a glint in his eye says, "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married."

"Why not?" giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies, "get your own damn blanket!"

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about it, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that ugly pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

“That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

An Irish priest is driving to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says,

"Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

One Monday morning after the weekly company meeting, a young executive was complaining to his boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend. "She gets me so angry sometimes," the young man confided.

"Well, son. I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife," replied the boss. "Whenever she got out of hand, I'd take her pants down and spank her."

Shaking his head, the young guy replied, "That doesn't work. Once I get her pants down, I'm not mad anymore."

Some of the myths about marriage...
  Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is
  heating up. Then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel like it, I
  just want you to hold me." The husband says: "WHAT??" The wife
  explains that he must not be in tune
  with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing
  is going to happen and he might as well deal with it.
  So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept store. He
  walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She
  can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they
  go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to
  the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond ear rings. His wife
  is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out but she does not
  care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says: "But you
  don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The
  wife is jumping up and
  down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says: "I
  am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
  The husband says: "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this
  stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey. I just want you to HOLD
  this stuff for a while." Her face gets really mad and she is about to
  explode and the Husband says: "You must not be in tune with my
  financial needs as a Man!!!"
 

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy" she said "Can we leave now?"

"No" her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.

"Yes" the little girl replied.

"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy" the little girl replied, "They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick'."

At The Vet


A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog,
screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an
examination room and has him put his dog down on
the examination table. The vet examines the still,
limp body and after a few moments tells the man
that his dog, regrettable, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept
this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with
a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body.
The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking
and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet
and meows. The vet looks at the man and says,
"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the
body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the
vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm
sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the
vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "$650.
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you
$50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was
for the cat scan and lab tests."

At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge. The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge." The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery." The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put th...

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

"What is your name?" was the first thing he asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only -- Smith, Jones, Baker -- that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

Two fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"

Get money to heaven