ochoop17's Blog

My voice is tender, my waist is slender and I'm often invited to play. Yet wherever I go I must take my bow or else I have nothing to say

Two women were preparing to board an airliner. One of them turned to the pilot and said, "Now, please don't travel faster than sound. We want to talk."

what is in front of man and in the center of woman?

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.''

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?''

The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!''

What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner?

It was Grandpa Jones' 100th birthday and he was still in perfect health. At his birthday party he was asked how he managed to live so long and stay so fit. He explained "I put my long life down to spending so much time out of doors. I've been in the open air, day after day, rain or shine, for the last 75th years." "How do you manage to keep up such a rigorous fitness regime?" we asked. "It's simple" he said. "When I married my wife 75 years ago, we both made solemn pledge on our wedding night. We agreed that whenever we ever had a fight, whoever was proved wrong would go outside and take long walk."

You won't see a truck or even a car
There are lots of roads, few going too far.
Cities with no homes, tracks without a train
Where each of the schools all look very plain.
If there's an ocean, it never gets wet
As well as places you haven't been yet.
Towns without people, forest with no trees
You can use it all as long as you please.

Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!

A man is pushing his car along the road when he comes to a hotel. He shouts, "I'm bankrupt!" Why?

Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.

To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay.

Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...." Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door. Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"

I can be found where anything cannot; dead men eat me all the time, but if a living man eats me, he'll die

I was working in Manhattan, flying a sightseeing small aircraft.

When the first group of tourists arrived I asked them, “Have you ever flown on a small airplane before?”

“No!” They replied.

So I took out a pack of gum and told them all to take a piece to stop their ears from popping.

After we landed, I asked everyone if they enjoyed, the flight and one lady comes over and asks, “That gum did wonders, but how do I get it out of my ears?”

What stays where it is when it goes off?

Actual reports of what Airline stewardess said: 

   "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways   out of this airplane..."

   "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am   going to switch the seat belt sign off.  Feel free to move about as you  wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold  outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

    And, after landing:  "Thank you for flying Braniff Business Express. We  hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking  you for a ride."

    As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a  lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.  WHOA!"

    Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but  they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.  Thank you, and  remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Braniff   Airlines."

    "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your  belongings.  Anything left behind will be distributed evenly  among the flight attendants.  Please do not leave children or  spouses."

    "Last one off the plane must clean it."

  And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to  have some of the best flight attendants in the  industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

    Heard on Braniff Airlines just after a very hard landing in  Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and  said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking.  I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the  pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was  the asphalt!"

    Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement:  "We'd like to  thank you folks for flying with us today.  And, the next time you  get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a  pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at  Braniff Airways."

-This old one runs forever, but never moves at all. He has not lungs nor throat, but still a mighty roaring call. What is it?