SirMetro's Blog

A sweet grandmother telephoned Northern Carleton Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
 
 The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"
 
 The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
 
 The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."
 
 After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone, "Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr.Colin, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."
 
 The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried!God bless you for the good news."
 
 The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
 
 The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me crap."

The "Middle Wife" by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher.

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame.

Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there.

He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord. "She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.

The kids are watching her in amazement. "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.

"She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man.

They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)
"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.

They started counting, but never even got past ten.

Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle Wife" comes along.

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

This is something I received today. As I have not yet verified or confirmed the statements, I welcome anyone who disputes anything below to post a clarification. Who knows, perhaps truth is stranger then fiction, at least that's how I see it. Everything from this point down was wrote by someone else.
_____________________________________________

Franklin Roosevelt, a Democrat, introduced the Social Security (FICA) Program. 

He  promised:

1.) That participation in the Program would be completely voluntary,

2.) That the participants would only have to pay 1% of the first $1,400 of their annual incomes into the Program,

3.) That the money the participants elected to put into the Program would be deductible from their income for tax purposes each year,

4.) That the money the participants put into the independent "Trust Fund" rather than into the General operating fund, and therefore, would only be used to fund the Social Security Retirement Program, and no other Government program, and,

5.) That the annuity payments to the retirees would never be taxed as income
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Since many of us have paid into FICA for years and some are now receiving a Social Security check every month -- and then finding that they are getting taxed on 85% of the money paid to the Federal government to "put away" -- you may be interested in the following:
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Q: Which Political Party took Social Security from the independent "Trust Fund" and put it into the General fund so that Congress could spend it?

A: It was Lyndon Johnson and the democratically controlled House and Senate.

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Q: Which Political Party eliminated the income tax deduction for Social Security (FICA) withholding?

A: The Democratic Party.

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Q: Which Political Party started taxing Social Security annuities????

A: The Democratic Party, with Al Gore casting the "tie-breaking" deciding vote as President of the Senate, while he was Vice President of the US.

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Q: Which Political Party decided to start giving annuity payments to immigrants?

A: That's right!  Jimmy Carter! And the Democratic Party of course!
Immigrants moved into this country, and at age 65, began to receive Social Security payments! The Democratic Party gave these payments to them, even though they never paid a dime into it!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Then, after doing all this lying and thieving and violating of the original contract (FICA), the Democrats turn around and tell you that the Republicans want to take your Social Security away!

And the worst part about it is uninformed citizens believe it!
==============================================

If enough people receive this, maybe a seed of awareness will be planted and maybe changes will evolve.  Maybe not!.. many Democrats are awfully sure of what isn't so!

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and  me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.

The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.

He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his weenie hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.

"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

Blonde Joke
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money "You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus in your garage."

******************************
A blonde went into a global message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $400 she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money!! But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in France!"
The man arched an eyebrow. "Anything?"
"Yes, absolutely anything" the blonde promised.
With that, the man said, "Follow me." He walked into the next room and ordered her to "Come in and close the door." She did. He then said, "Get on your knees." She did. Then he said, "Take down my zipper." She did.
He said, "Go ahead... take it out." She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well... go ahead!"
The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly, "HELLO ... MOM?"

*******************************
(Not a Blonde Joke, Brunette this time)
A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."
"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

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(Not a blonde joke, but some more really bad humor)
Comments Valedictorians should NOT include:

"Some of you are probably wondering, 'Who did she have to blow to become valedictorian?' Well, let's see... Principal Madden, Mr. Jennings, Coach Barrows, the math and Latin clubs...."
***
"Finally, since my extra credit work destroyed the grading curve for everyone else, can I get a police escort back to my car?"
***
"I didn't do this alone. Remember: There is no *I* in 'valedictorian.'"
***
"Take a minute to look -- *really* look -- at the person on your left. If she's got a nice rack, stare all you want; she's busy looking at the person on her left."
***
"Studying honors-level material and maintaining a 4.0 GPA is hard work -- probably a lot harder than hacking into the 'secure' network server where the grades are stored."
***
"So let's address that little incident: What does 'statutory' really mean, anyway?"
***
"We have nothing to fear but a future of economic ruin, unpreventable massive terrorist attacks, despotic government and the dissolution of society into a splintered, tribalistic asylum of continuously warring factions. On the brigh
***
"As you go through life, don't be afraid to experiment. For example, you can fit half a dozen naked midgets under one of these gowns!"
***
"A few of you, the more intelligent few, will have the foresight to do as I did and secure your futures through the transfer of Nigerian funds."
***
"... and one last thing: Watch me hang this tassel on my newly pierced penis."
*******************************************************
Finally, an ad in a Utah newspaper.

$10,000
06' Suzuki GSXR 1000
Aug 7, 2006
2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "do whatever the f*** you want" doesn't mean what I thought. Call me, Steve.

This was just too funny NOT to share, really cool to know that Google has a hell of a sense of humor.

--Go to Google.com

--Click on Maps.

--Click on get Directions.

--From New York,New York

--To Paris,France.

--And read line 23.

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You get her pregnant again."

I just thought y'all folks would find this entertaining

Just curious what the political backlash would be if the US adopted the Immigration Laws of it's neighbor? I know I would most definitely support it.

1.There will be no special bilingual programs in the schools, no special ballots for elections, and all government business will be conducted in our language.

2.Foreigners will NOT have the right to vote, no matter how long they are here.

3.Foreigners will NEVER be able to hold political office.

4.Foreigners will not be a burden to the taxpayers. No welfare, no food stamps, no health care, nor any other government assistance programs.

5.Foreigners can invest in this country, but it must be an amount equal to 40,000 times the daily minimum wage.

6.If foreigners do come and want to buy land that will be  okay, BUT options will be restricted. You are not allowed to own waterfront property. That property is reserved for citizens naturally born into this country.

7.Foreigners may not protest; no demonstrations, no waving a foreign flag, no political organizing, no "bad-mouthing" our president or his policies.  If you do you will be sent home.

8.If you do come to this country illegally, you will be hunted down and sent straight to jail.

The above laws happen to be

The Immigration Laws of "MEXICO"!

Walmart has everything !

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Walmart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Walmart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Walmart

JUST A BIKER...

I saw you; hug your purse closer to you in the grocery store line.

You didn't see me; put an extra $10.00 in the collection plate last Sunday.

I saw you; pull your child closer when we passed each other on the sidewalk.

You didn't see me; playing Santa at the local mall.

I saw you; change your mind about going into the restaurant.

You didn't see me; attending a meeting to raise more money for the hurricane relief.

I saw you; roll up your window and shake your head when I rode by

You didn't see me; driving behind you when you flicked your cigarette butt out the car window.

I saw you; frown at me when I smiled at your children.

You didn't see me; when I took time off from work to run toys to the homeless.

I saw you; stare at my long hair.

You didn't see me; and my friends cut ten inches off for Locks of Love.

I saw you; roll your eyes at our leather coats and gloves.

You didn't see me; and my brothers donate our old coats and gloves to those that had none.

I saw you; look in fright at my tattoos.

You didn't see me; cry as my children were born and having their name tattooed on my skin and in my heart.

I saw you; change lanes while rushing off to go somewhere.

You didn't see me; going home to be with my family.

I saw you; complain about how loud and noisy our bikes can be.

You didn't see me; when you were changing the CD and drifted into my lane.

I saw you; yelling at your kids in the car.

You didn't see me; pat my child's hands knowing he was safe behind me.

I saw you; reading the newspaper or map as you drove down the road.

You didn't see me; squeeze my wife's leg when she told me to take the next turn.

I saw you; race down the road in the rain.

You didn't see me; get soaked to the skin so my son could have the car to go on his date.

I saw you; run the yellow light just to save a few minutes of time.

You didn't see me; trying to turn right.

I saw you; cut me off because you needed to be in the lane I was in.

You didn't see me; leave the road.

I saw you; waiting impatiently for my friends to pass.

You didn't see me; I wasn't there.

I saw you go home to your family.

You didn't see me, because I died that day you cut me off. To you I was just a biker, not a person with a family and friends.

You didn't see me; and now they will never see me again.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON FOR YOUR FRIENDS WHO RIDE OR HAD SOMEONE WHO MAY HAVE DIED WHILE RIDING A MOTORCYCLE.

Also for those who feel the same way as above about the biker. Pass this on... Lets help make people aware!

It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead...

I walked into a Blimpie's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free". "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free." She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.

They walk among us (and many work retail).
---------

A friend of mine bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. My friend decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50."

The next day someone stole it.
They walk among us.
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One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"

They Walk among us!
====================

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
They Walk Among Us!!
====================

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
They Walk Among Us!
====================

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."
They Walk Among Us!
====================

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
They Walk Among Us!
====================

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
They Walk Among Us!
====================

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
They Walk Among Us!
====================

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
Yep, They Walk Among Us!
====================

AND they reproduce!