ochoop17's Blog

A couple is going to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.

The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?"

The husband replies: "Autumn."

A grasshopper walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bar tender turns to the grasshopper and says " hey, you know we have a drink named after you?"

The grasshopper responds "why in the heck do you have a drink named Bob?"

Race cars were racing on an oval track
Each driver was skilled, no speed did they lack.
The red car's driver finished next to last
Even thought his car was really quite fast.
The blue car's driver came in second place
Not a bad finish for just his first race.
When results were in, questions did arise
How did the red car received the first prize?

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

How many letters are there in the English alphabet?

The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet.

What has a foot on each side and one in the middle?

A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife.

She rushed in and said, "What is it, honey?"

He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort.

He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left.

The wife was curious, so she asked, "What are you doing, honey?"

"I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted.

What does a cat have that no other animal has?

Boss: Johnson, we giving you a promotion but you have to move to Montreal.

Johnson: Montreal! "Nothing comes from there except hookers and hockey players!"

Boss: Listen pal, my wife comes from there!

Johnson: Without missing a beat replies, "No kidding! What position does she play?"

I have no eyes no legs or ears and I help move the earth. What am I?

They say that the new super computer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, "Where is my father?"

The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with "Your father is fishing in Michigan."

The skeptical man said triumphantly, "You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years."

"No", replied the super computer immediately. "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout."

Your finger fits right in it. You play with it when you’re bored. Once you’re married, you’re stuck with the same one forever. What is it?

"I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila."