ochoop17's Blog

What is it that someone else has to take before you can get it?

May 14, 1796: English physician _________ inoculated 8-year old ________ against smallpox by using cowpox matter.

One night a drunk guy is sitting at the bar and really has to go to the bathroom. So he sits there and asks the bartender, "hey man, wheres the bathroom?" The bartender says it's down the stairs and to the right. So the man goes down stairs and goes to the bathroom. About 30 seconds goes by and everyone in the bar hears a blood curdling scream, they ignore it and again they hear another scream about 30 seconds later. Then the man comes up stairs and says to the bartender "hey man, every time I tried to flush, someone would come up and squeeze my balls as hard as they could". The bartender says, "well which way did you go?" The man says down stairs and to the left. The bartender screams NO NO NO down stairs and to the RIGHT, to the left is the mop bucket closet.

Where can you find an ocean without any water ?

May 11, 1647: Peter _______ arrived in New _______ to become governor of New ______.

A couple gets married and the wife puts a foot locker in the bedroom. She locks it, then puts the only key on a chain around her neck. For fifty years, her husband tries to figure out what's in there, but she always changes the subject, and avoids the issue. Finally, on the night of their fiftieth wedding anniversary, he says to her, "I've got to know what's in the trunk!" She takes the key, unlocks the foot locker, and inside there's two ears of corn and $25,000. The guy says, "What's with the two ears of corn?" She says, "Well, umm, in the fifty years, every time I broke our marriage vows, I put an ear of corn in the trunk." The guy figures, "Twice in fifty years, not so bad..." Then he says, "And what's the $25,000?" She says, "Well, everytime I got a bushel, I sold it."

There is a bush fit for the nonce
That beareth pricks and precious stones
The fruit in fear some ladies pull.
Tis smooth and round and plump and full...
They put it in, and then they move it,
Which makes it melt, and then they love it.
So what was round, plump, full and hard
Grows lank and thin and dull and marred.

May_, 18_: Atlanta pharmacist __________invented the flavor syrup for ___ Cola.

One day a Madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out $5000.00 and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, " South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are guaranteed:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

How can you add eight 8's to get the number 1,000? (only use addition)

May 4,1932: Mobster __________convicted of income tax evasion,entered the federal penitentiary in _____. He was later transferred to ________.

A teacher asked her class how many of them were Gordon Brown fans.

Not really knowing what a Gordon Brown fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...again.

Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not a Gordon Brown fan.'

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you a Gordon Brown fan?'

Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Conservative.'

The teacher asked him why he's a Conservative.

Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mum's a Conservative and my Dad's a Conservative, so I'm a Conservative.'


Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your Mum was a moron and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'

...

...

...

...

Little Johnny replied, 'A Gordon Brown fan.

Last Edited: May 5, 2012, 11:13 am

Jack Benny's first radio show, sponsored by ________, made it debut on the _______ Network.

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

If you take a Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald
man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time
it was to set it to?

Which is the other side of the street?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows?"