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Yesterday, 12:27 pmChocolate vs Marijuana
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of
the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.... The researchers also
discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
July 31, 2014, 11:05 amWhy Wasn't..
Why wasn't Bertha put in jail after killing dozens of people?
July 30, 2014, 9:44 amA Dream Genie
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.
His horse has already died of thirst. He’s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress.. There’s a calculator in her pocketbook.
She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. “Well, cowboy,” says the genie.. “You know how I work. You have three wishes.”
“I’m not falling for this.” Says the man. “I’m not going to trust an IRS auditor genie.”
“What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks like you’re a goner anyway!”
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. “OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.”
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
“OK, cowpoke, what’s your second wish.” “My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. “I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.”
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story: If the IRS offers you anything, there’s going to be a string attached
July 28, 2014, 9:57 amWhy Do..
Why do birds fly south?
July 27, 2014, 10:53 amAn Arkansas Delivery
In the backwoods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night. The doctor was called in to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
"Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down. I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another baby.
"Now don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man. It seems there's yet another!" cried the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor. "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
July 26, 2014, 1:20 pmWhat Am I ?
Play my music, if you dare. Turn my crank, although I'm square. Stand back, or get a scare, when you see my surprising glare. What am I?
July 25, 2014, 10:29 amDrop Dead
Six retired friends were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.
At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"
They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."
Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?
Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg
July 9, 2014, 9:10 amThe Centipede
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered.
The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede.
20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede.
By this point the man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede!
He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede?
So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"
July 8, 2014, 12:09 pmYou Can..
You can do this with your friends. You can do this with your nose. But don’t do it with your friend’s nose!
July 7, 2014, 10:28 amFirst Class
A beautiful blonde woman boards a plane to L.A. with a ticket for coach. Once she boards, she chooses an empty seat in first class. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman she has to move back.
The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to L.A."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the <snip>pit and informs the captain. The captain goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.
She immediately gets up, hugs the captain and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The flight attendant asks what he said to the woman.
"I just told her that the first class section isn't going to L.A."
July 6, 2014, 1:23 pmSlim And Tall
I am slim and tall
Many find me desirable and appealing. They touch me and I give a false good feeling. Once I shine in splendor
But only once and then no more. For many I am "to die for". What am I?
July 5, 2014, 10:30 amWhat Does An Egret Taste Like ?
The local game warden in a small town in Oregon had arrested a man for killing and eating an Egret. The man went before a judge to plead his case. After pleading guilty, but with an explanation, the judge asked him why he did it.
“I was just trying to feed my hungry family,” he told the judge, “and I’ve never done anything like that before.”
The judge, being a family man himself, had a soft heart and agreed to let the man go free, since he was only trying to feed his starving family and it was his first and only offense.
“Before you go, though, I want to ask you a question,” the judge quipped, “What does Egret taste like?”
“Well your Honor,” the man told him, “Its not as tender as Spotted Owl but its better than Bald Eagle!”
July 4, 2014, 11:41 amWhat Am I ?
When you do not know what I am, then I am something. But when you know what I am, then I am nothing.
What am I?
July 3, 2014, 8:06 amOne Talented Hamster
One Talented Hamster
A mangy-looking' guy goes into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says,
"No way. I don't think you can pay for it."
The guy says,
"You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says,
"Only if what you show me isn't risqué."
"Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster.
He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says,
"You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano."
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
The guy says,
"It's a deal."
He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it.
The bartender says to the guy,
"Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!"
"Not so," says the guy.
"The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"
July 2, 2014, 1:36 pmRomeo And Juliet
Romeo and Juliet are found dead on the floor in a bedroom. When they were discovered, there were pieces of glass and some water on the floor. The only furniture in the room is a shelf and a bed. The house in is a remote location, away from everything except for the nearby railway track. What caused the death of Romeo and Juliet?