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Today, 12:37 pmWhat Smells..
What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner?
Yesterday, 11:01 am100th Birthday
It was Grandpa Jones' 100th birthday and he was still in perfect health. At his birthday party he was asked how he managed to live so long and stay so fit. He explained "I put my long life down to spending so much time out of doors. I've been in the open air, day after day, rain or shine, for the last 75th years." "How do you manage to keep up such a rigorous fitness regime?" we asked. "It's simple" he said. "When I married my wife 75 years ago, we both made solemn pledge on our wedding night. We agreed that whenever we ever had a fight, whoever was proved wrong would go outside and take long walk."
November 25, 2014, 10:12 amWhat Is It ?
You won't see a truck or even a car
There are lots of roads, few going too far.
Cities with no homes, tracks without a train
Where each of the schools all look very plain.
If there's an ocean, it never gets wet
As well as places you haven't been yet.
Towns without people, forest with no trees
You can use it all as long as you please.
Last Edited: November 25, 2014, 10:13 am
November 24, 2014, 10:58 amWhy Didn't..
Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!
November 23, 2014, 11:11 amA Man Is..
A man is pushing his car along the road when he comes to a hotel. He shouts, "I'm bankrupt!" Why?
November 22, 2014, 10:59 amBus For Alaska
Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.
To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay.
Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...." Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door. Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"
November 21, 2014, 11:11 amWhat Am I ?
I can be found where anything cannot; dead men eat me all the time, but if a living man eats me, he'll die
November 20, 2014, 12:26 pmPack Of Gum
I was working in Manhattan, flying a sightseeing small aircraft.
When the first group of tourists arrived I asked them, “Have you ever flown on a small airplane before?”
“No!” They replied.
So I took out a pack of gum and told them all to take a piece to stop their ears from popping.
After we landed, I asked everyone if they enjoyed, the flight and one lady comes over and asks, “That gum did wonders, but how do I get it out of my ears?”
November 19, 2014, 12:10 pmWhat Stays..
What stays where it is when it goes off?
November 18, 2014, 11:48 amAirline Stewardess
Actual reports of what Airline stewardess said:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Braniff Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Braniff Airlines."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
Heard on Braniff Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at Braniff Airways."
November 17, 2014, 10:46 amWhat Is It ?
-This old one runs forever, but never moves at all. He has not lungs nor throat, but still a mighty roaring call. What is it?
November 16, 2014, 11:57 amSuccess Is..
At age 4...success is...not peeing in your pants.
At age 10...success is...making your own meals.
At age 12...success is...having friends.
At age 16...success is...having a drivers license.
At age 20...success is...having sex.
At age 35...success is...having money.
At age 50...success is...having money.
At age 60...success is...having sex.
At age 70...success is...having a drivers license.
At age 75...success is...having friends.
At age 80...success is...making your own meals.
At age 85...success is...not peeing in your pants.
November 15, 2014, 1:45 pmWhat Am I ?
Take away my first letter; take away my second letter; take away all my letters, and I would remain the same. What am I?
November 13, 2014, 8:53 amYour Client
A fellow’s wife went missing and being that everyone knew that he and his wife were in a big fight he was accused of murdering her and disposing of the body. When witness after witness came to the stand testifying to all sorts of horrible threats that the accused threatened his wife and things were looking quite dim for the accused the man’s lawyer got up to the stand. “Ladies and Gentleman of the jury I have something quite exciting to tell you, if you would all please direct your attention towards the door behind me on my left you will see the supposedly dead women walk in on her own two feet.” There was a loud murmuring in the courtroom as all eyes turned towards the door. “Ladies and Gentleman” said the lawyer after a few seconds of anxious waiting, “To be honest with you, Nobody is going to be walking through the door, however from the fact that your eyes all turned towards the door it is quite obvious that you are not sure beyond the shadow of a doubt about my client’s guilt.” To the lawyer’s great surprise, the jury decided that the man was guilty. “But how could you say that he is guilty? Didn’t I prove it to you?” Questioned the lawyer. “It is true that we all turned towards the door,” one old lady explained, “but there was person who didn’t.” “Whose that?” Questioned the indignant lawyer. “Your client.” Came the reply.
November 12, 2014, 12:27 pmThe Numbers..
The numbers 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9 must be put in the square below, replacing the "x" in such a way that the sums of the numbers in each row, column, and diagonal are equal. How should the numbers be arranged in the square?