Jani Norman's Blog

~*~ Spaghetti~*~

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. 
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large
sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. 
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support
until the child turned 18.  She agreed, but asked how he would know when the
baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card,
and write Spaghetti" on the back.  He would then arrange for child support
payments to begin.
 
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused  wife.
His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card today."

Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said.
The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card,
turned white and collapsed.

On the card was written:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without!
Request bread...

ROSE BUDS & HANGING BASKETS

A teenage granddaughter
Comes downstairs for her date with
A see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit,
Telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her
"Loosen up Grams.
These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!
And out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
And the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother
That she has friends coming over
And that it is just not appropriate.....
The grandmother says,
"Loosen up, Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds,
Then I can display my hanging baskets.
 
       

Mouse Trap Story.... very good moral

A mouse looked through the crack
in the wall to see the farmer and
his wife open a package.

What food might this contain?"
The mouse wondered -
he was devastated to discover it
was a mousetrap.

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning:
There is a mousetrap in the house!
There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr.Mouse,
I can tell this is a grave concern
to you, but it is of no consequence
to me. I cannot be bothered by it."

The mouse turned to
the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The pig sympathized, but said, I am
so very sorry, Mr.Mouse, but there
is nothing I can do about it but pray.

Be assured you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to
the cow and said "There is a
mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse.
I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin
off my nose."

So, the mouse returned to the
house, head down and dejected,
to face the farmer's mousetrap
alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like the
sound of a mousetrap catching its
prey.

The farmer's wife rushed to see
what was caught. In the darkness,
she did not see it was a venomous
snake whose tail the trap had caught.

The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital , and she returned home with a fever.

Everyone knows you treat a fever
with fresh chicken soup, so the
farmer took his hatchet to the
farmyard for the soup's main

ingredient.

But his wife's sickness continued,
so friends and neighbors came to
sit with her around the clock.

To feed them, the farmer
butchered the pig.

The farmer's wife did not get well;
she died.

So many people came for her funeral,
the farmer had the cow slaughtered
to provide enough meat for all
of them.

The mouse looked upon it all from
his crack in the wall with great sadness.

So, the next time you hear someone
is facing a problem and think it
doesn't concern you, remember --
when one of us is threatened,
we are all at risk.

We are all involved in this journey
called life. We must keep an eye out
for one another and make an extra
effort to encourage one another.

SEND THIS TO EVERYONE WHO
HAS EVER HELPED YOU OUT
AND LET THEM KNOW HOW IMPORTANT THEY ARE.

REMEMBER,,,,

EACH OF US IS A VITAL THREAD
IN ANOTHER PERSON'S TAPESTRY;

OUR LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER FOR A REASON.

One of the best things to hold
onto in this world is a friend ***

This cake recipe is from the July/August 2007 issue of "Cooking with Paula Deen".  Enjoy! 

MOUNTAIN DEW CAKE 

Makes 1 Bundt cake. 

1 (18.25-ounce) box lemon cake mix 
1 (3.4-ounce) box lemon flavored instant pudding mix 
1 (12-ounce) can Mountain Dew soda 
3/4 cup vegetable oil 
4 large eggs 

Preheat oven to 325 degrees F.  Lightly grease and flour a 10-cup Bundt pan. 

In a large bowl, combine cake mix and pudding mix.  Add soda, oil and eggs.  Beat at medium speed with an electric mixer until smooth.  Pour batter into prepared pan, and bake for 45 to 50 minutes, or until a wooden pick inserted in center comes out clean.  Let cool in pan for 10 minutes.  Remove from pan and let cool completely on a wire rack. 

It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric  expenditure of different sexual activities. Now after original  and proprietary research they are proud to present the results.

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent....................... 12 Calories
Without her consent.................... 187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand.......................... 12 Calories 
With your teeth........................ 85 Calories 
PUTTING ON A CONDOM: 
With an erection....................... 6 Calories 
Without an erection.................... 315 Calories 
PRELIMINARIES: 
Trying to find the hot spot............ 8 Calories 
Trying to find the G-Spot.............. 92 Calories   
POSITIONS: 
Missionary............................. 12 Calories 
69 lying down.......................... 78 Calories 
69 standing up......................... 112 Calories  Wheelbarrow............................ 216 Calories 
Doggy Style............................ 326 Calories 
Italian chandelier..................... 912 Calories   
ORGASMING: 
Real................................... 112 Calories 
False.................................. 315 Calories   
POST ORGASM: 
Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories 
Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories 
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately...816 Calories    GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
IF YOU ARE: 
20-29 years old........................ 36 Calories 
30-39 years............................ 80 Calories 
40-49 years............................ 124 Calories 
50-59 years............................ 972 Calories 
60-69 years............................ 2916 Calories 
70 and over......................  Results are still pending   
DRESSING AFTERWARDS: 
Calmly................................. 32 Calories 
In a hurry............................. 98 Calories 
With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories 
With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories
     
   

 This Friday's "20/20" focuses on luck.
Pure luck, beginner's luck, dumb luck …

Can you make your own luck? Or is luck just chance?

Calling someone lucky can sound like a put-down -- when was the last time a successful person called himself lucky? "When something bad happens to you, it's bad luck. When something good happens to you, it's your skill and hard work. It's pretty simple," said "Freaknomics" author Steven J. Dubner. Chris Connelly reports on smart luck.

Other people seem to have all the luck. Always in the right place at the right time, they get all the breaks. What makes a person lucky? One prominent psychologist thinks good luck in life is no accident.

From a very young age, 17-year-old Jessica Forsyth seemed to be a magnet for bad luck: She broke her collarbone not once, but twice, and had many other injuries. But this seemingly bad string of luck turned out to be a blessing. Doctors say that a metal plate which repaired one of the collarbone fractures probably saved Jessica's life when she survived being shot multiple times at close range by her ex-boyfriend.

Also on the show, actor and author Marilu Henner speaks candidly about being lucky in love. "I know lucky when I see it," Henner said.

And it is said that severely superstitious people approach all of life as a game of chance. Elizabeth Vargas talks to actor Liev Schreiber about theater superstitions and to successful businessman Peter Arnell, who relies on his lucky charms to close big deals.

Watch "20/20" Friday at 10 p.m. EDT for those stories. 

1. The most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.   
3. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
4. Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill, Check three friends. If they're okay, you're it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. 
7. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. 
8. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
9. It may be your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
10. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*    An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the  doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The  doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"    The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such  good shape.  I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up  and down the fairways."    The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got  to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"    The old timer said, "Who said my father's dead?"    The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your  father is still alive?  How old is he?"    The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he  golfed with me this morning. That's why he's still alive,  he's a golfer."    The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's  more to it. How about your grandfather? How old was he when  he died?"    The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"    The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your  grandfather's still living! How old is he?"    The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old."    The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said,  "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"    The old timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning  because he got married."    The doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a  118-year-old guy want to get married?"    The old timer shot back, "Who said he wanted to?"   

A woman, her husband, and their three rambunctious young sons 
were in their car waiting at a traffic light.  The woman glanced 
over at the car next  to them, noticing a blissfully happy mother 
with her baby daughter. 

Looking at her husband she said, "As soon as I lose my weight 
from the last baby, I want to try for a daughter." 

The husband reached up to the dash, grabbed an open box of 
snacks, and said, "Here, have another cookie."   

Funny...

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the
advent:

(Frank Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 --! A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the
flames.
I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from
all
of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish,
or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is
starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili
an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne ! peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, a! nd
garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me
anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is
cursing
uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced ! chili. Neither
mild,
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted,
passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?"

Judge # 3 -- Oh God.........

Shark!

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden he sees a shark in the water, so he starts swimming furiously towards his boat.

As he looks back, he sees the shark turn and head towards him. He's scared to death, and as he sees the jaws of the great white beast open, revealing its horrific teeth, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"

In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"

Confused, and knowing he can't lie, the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"

The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracts back into the heavens. The man feels the water move once again.

As the atheist looks back, he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

Shocked, the man watches as the huge beast closes its eyes, bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive..."

> Eve's side of the story:
>
> After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit
> Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
>
> "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets
> are breathtaking. The smells, the sights, everything is wonderful,
but I
> have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The
middle
> one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with
my
> arms, catching them on branches, and snagging them on bushes.
> They're a real pain," reported Eve. 
>
> And Eve went on to tell God that because many other parts of
> her body came in pairs, such a s her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she
felt
> that having only two breasts might leave her body more
"symmetrically"
> balanced.
>
> "That's a fair point," replied God. "It was my first shot at
> this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that
> you needed only half of those. But. I see that you are right. I will
fix
> it
> up right away."
>
> And God reached down, removed the middle breast, and tossed
> it into the bushes.
>
> Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the
> Garden of Eden and said, "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
>
> "Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight. You
> see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow
has
> her bull. All the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone."
>
> God thought for a moment and said, " You know, Eve, you are
> right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I
will
> immediately create a man from a part of you . Now, let's
> see............where did I put the useless boob?"
>
> Now, doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?
> -----------------------------------------

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the  50's, 60's and 70's!   
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or 
drank while they carried us. 

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, 
and didn't get tested for diabetes. 

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with 
bright colored lead-based paints. 

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or 
cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not 
to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. 

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air 
bags. 

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a 
special treat. 

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. 

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle 
and NO ONE actually died from this. 

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda 
pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because WE 
WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING! 

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long 
as we were back when the streetlights came on. 

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. 

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and 
then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the 
brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we 
learned to solve the problem. 

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video 
games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, 
no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no 
Internet or Internet chat rooms...WE HAD FRIENDS and we went 
outside and found them! 

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and 
there were no lawsuits from these accidents. 

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and  the worms did 
not live in us forever. 

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games 
with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it 
would happen, we did not put out very many eyes. 

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on 
the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to 
them! 

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. 
Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. 
Imagine that! 

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was 
unheard of. They actually sided with the law! 

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, 
problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have 
been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. 

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we 
learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL. 

And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS! 

You might want to share this with others who have had the 
luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the govern- 
ment regulated our lives for our own good. 

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they 
will know how brave their parents were. Kind of makes you 
want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?   

Actual Travel Agent Stories 
From a former Washington, D.C. travel agent of over 30  years

* A New Hampshire Congresswoman called to ask for an aisle 
seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near 
the window. 

* A Candidate's Staffer called, wanting to go to Capetown. I 
started to explain the length of the flight and the passport 
information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to 
make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." 
Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calm- 
ly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts. Capetown is in 
Africa." Her response? Click. 

* A Senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a 
Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the 
vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean view 
room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando 
is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. 
I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!" 

* A Lawmaker's wife asked, "Is it possible to see England 
from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so 
close on the map." 

* A Bush cabinet member's aide called and asked if they 
could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, 
I noticed they had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I 
asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard 
Dallas was a big airport, and we want the car so we can drive 
between gates to save time." 

* An Illinois Congresswoman wanted to know how it was 
possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got 
into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was 
an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the 
concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went 
very fast. She bought it! 

* A New York lawmaker asked, "Do airlines put your physical 
description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs 
to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, 
when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my 
luggage that said "FAT." I'm overweight and I think that's 
very rude!" After putting her on hold so I could "look into 
it" (I was actually laughing), I came back to her and 
explained the city code for Fresno, CA is "FAT," and that 
the label was only a destination tag. 

* A Senator's aide inquired about a trip package to Hawaii. 
After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be 
cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to 
Hawaii?" 

* A freshman Congressman called from the airport to ask, 
"How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what 
exactly did he mean. He replied, "You told me my flight 
number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on 
them." 

* A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi- 
Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer 
planes?" I asked her if she meant "fly to Pensacola, FL on 
a commuter plane"? She said, "Yeah, whatever!" 

* A senior Senator had a question about the documents he 
needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion 
about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh, no I 
don't. I've been to China many times and never had one." I 
double-checked and, sure enough, his stay required a visa. 
When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four 
times. Every time they've accepted my American Express!" 

* A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations. "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent was 
at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's 
the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" she 
replied. After some searching, the agent came back with, 
"I'm sorry, ma'am. I've looked up every airport code in the 
country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, 
"Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your 
map!" The agent pulled out a map of New York state and 
finally asked, "You don't mean 'Buffalo,' do you?" "That's 
it! I knew it was a big animal!" 

* I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in  Connecticut. When I explained that the inn was fictional, 
the customer became very irate and insisted, "I know it is 
real, I see people check in every week!"