"Oh, Donald Trump, the media is not 'rigged' against you. They're just recording what you say and playing it back.

"You started your campaign by accusing Mexicans of being rapists. Now you're on tape explaining how you sexually assault women. The only way you could be more hypocritical is if you said it in Spanish."

"Donald Trump admitted to Dr. Oz that he is overweight, loves fast food, and doesn’t exercise. In a related story, Trump just won Wisconsin."

"A 12-year-old boy is actually running one of Trump's campaign offices in Colorado. When asked how an inexperienced child could be running things, the boy said, 'Look, he's the nominee and we're stuck with him.'"

"Donald Trump is now ahead of Hillary Clinton in the polls. This was reported today in The Washington Post, and 2,000 years ago in the Book of Revelation."