Wisdom

 1. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

 2. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

 3. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

 4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

 5 For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

 6. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

 7. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

 8. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

 9. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

 10. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

 11. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

 12. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist reverse.

 13. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

 14. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

 15. Experience enables you to recognize a mistake when you do the same thing again.

 16. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

 17. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

 18. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

 19. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

 20. And never, EVER take a sleeping pill and a laxative in the same night.