Em, Finding forgiveness is much easier in the abstract than in actual life circumstances. I tend to hold a lot of grudges myself. They certainly don't make me happy in the usual sense, but they do keep me from getting mixed up with people and situations that would surely make my life more difficult and unpleasant. I think of grudges as lessons learned, and given the wisdom of those lessons, I move forward with a strong resolve not to repeat mistakes nor be subjected to objectionable treatment. I think happiness only exists in the way we treat ourselves and others. Sometimes that calls for something akin to tough love.

I agree that there's not much you can do about the past, but it's very hard to let go of feelings if someone caused you great harm. Forgiveness is something from the heart and forgetting is from the head. I think there are levels. If someone raped & murdered your child, it would be difficult to forgive that person. If someone hurt your feelings by lying or cheating you, that would be much easier to forgive. If I drunk ran into your car and paralyzed you for life, it would be different than a fender bender.