1. Did gambling affect your reputation?
My reputation wasn't all that great before. Being known as a degenerate gambler has actually improved my social standing. Now my stories about losing money and chasing cocktail waitresses make me a hit at parties, weddings, and overnight holding cells. I recommend gambling to anyone who is having trouble with the ladies, since being broke, irritable, bleary eyed and compulsive are exotic and exciting qualities.
2. Did you ever lose time from work or school due to gambling?
No. I've lost time from work or school due to not wanting to go to work or school, or from oversleeping. I've lost time from sleeping due to gambling.
3. Have you ever felt remorse after gambling?
Remorse? What's that? Some type of foreign car?
4. Did you ever gamble to get money with which to pay debts or otherwise solve financial difficulties?
If I were the debt paying type, then yes, of course I would gamble to get the money I needed. How else am I supposed to earn money?
5. After losing did you feel you must return as soon as possible and win back your losses?
Return? If I'm losing, I never leave until I win back my money or replace my losses with items stolen from my hotel room. Is that wrong? I currently have: 42 bath towels, 17 margarita glasses, 11 ashtrays, 4 television remote controls, 2 hairdryers and 1 coffeemaker.
6. After a win did you have a strong urge to return and win more?
Yes. Winnings don't last forever. Gold chains and hookers are expensive, and women aren't necessarily attracted to me because of my charm and personality, if you know what I mean. I've foregone traditional pickup lines in favor of waving large amounts of cash around. It saves me the trouble of having extended conversations with women with names like "Hayley-Jayne."
7. Did gambling make you careless of the welfare of yourself or your family?
No, but it does make me careless of the welfare of any old women who are blowing cigarette smoke in my direction at the 21 table. It's always a shame if their chairs accidentally tip over.
8. Have you ever committed, or considered committing, an illegal act to finance gambling?
I decline to answer, citing my Fifth Amendment rights.
9. Were you reluctant to use "gambling money" for normal expenditures?
Any book that contains advice on gambling will stress the importance of having a playing bankroll. How am I supposed to maintain a good-sized bankroll if I'm always wasting money on things like food and credit card payments? What sounds better: "I took that $100 I had and turned it into $400 at the craps table. Now I'm going to go buy myself another silk robe." Or: " I took that $100 I had to the grocery store and bought cranberry juice and celery. Now I'm going to take what I have left and buy my girlfriend daffodils." See what I mean?
10. Have you ever considered self destruction or suicide as a result of your gambling?
Why would I do something like that? Dead people can't gamble.