So I went to the club last night to meet the la-dies. I left the walker at home and opted for the cane. The leisure suit still fit nicely and I donned a jaunty cap to complete the package. After adding a splash of Old Spice I was good to go.
I wasn't aware the cover charge had increased so much. The bouncer charged me $100 to enter (and he kept calling me a pimp)! But the three-hour wait was well worth it...sitting at the bar were a couple lovelies and next to them an open seat with my name on it.
After ordering my Tanqueray and tonic, I mentally rehearsed my opening line. The old standby "What's your sign?" used to work in the 70's so I thought I'd give it a shot. After all, it had been a long time since I'd gone clubbing.
When a lull in their conversation presented itself, I blurted, "What's your sign?" to the hottie sitting next to me. Both broke into a fit of laughter so I offered to buy them a drink, thinking I had broken some serious ice.
"O-foo-kus", she finally replied.
My mind raced as I tried to decipher what 'o-foo-kus' meant. "Pardon me?" I asked.
"O-foo-kus", she repeated.
Blushing, I asked, "What's 'o-foo-kus' ?" At this point my heart was pounding with fantasies of a threesome in the king's lair with these apparently foreign beauties.
"It's a new sun sign!", her companion explained. "Now there are 13 constellations of the zodiac." She then spelled it out, "o-p-h-i-u-c-h-u-s."
I was disappointed that my translation was wrong but even more troubled that I had just purchased an expensive astrology software package. Everything would have to be re-formatted to accomodate this interloper of the cosmos. They had to be pulling my leg, making fun of the 'old guy'.
"When is your birthday?", she continued.
"December fourth", I answered. "I'm a sagittarius."
"Omiggod!" they exclaimed in unison. "You're an ophiuchus!"
Suddenly feeling like a unicorn, I finished my drink, bid my adieu and headed home unaccompanied to the king's lair. I vowed to never do drugs before going clubbing again!
As I fell into slumber my thoughts drifted to unicorns, threesomes and a shadowy entity named Ophiuchus who wanted to spoil it all.