So I went to the club last night to meet the la-dies. I left the walker at home and opted for the cane. The leisure suit still fit nicely and I donned a jaunty cap to complete the package.  After adding a splash of Old Spice I was good to go.

I wasn't aware the cover charge had increased so much. The bouncer charged me $100 to enter (and he kept calling me a pimp)! But the three-hour wait was well worth it...sitting at the bar were a couple lovelies and next to them an open seat with my name on it.

After ordering my Tanqueray and tonic, I mentally rehearsed my opening line. The old standby "What's your sign?" used to work in the 70's so I thought I'd give it a shot. After all, it had been a long time since I'd gone clubbing.

When a lull in their conversation presented itself, I blurted, "What's your sign?" to the hottie sitting next to me. Both broke into a fit of laughter so I offered to buy them a drink, thinking I had broken some serious ice.

"O-foo-kus", she finally replied.

My mind raced as I tried to decipher what 'o-foo-kus' meant. "Pardon me?" I asked.

"O-foo-kus", she repeated.

Blushing, I asked, "What's 'o-foo-kus' ?" At this point my heart was pounding with fantasies of a threesome in the king's lair with these apparently foreign beauties.

"It's a new sun sign!", her companion explained. "Now there are 13 constellations of the zodiac." She then spelled it out, "o-p-h-i-u-c-h-u-s."

I was disappointed that my translation was wrong but even more troubled that I had just purchased an expensive astrology software package. Everything would have to be re-formatted to accomodate this interloper of the cosmos. They had to be pulling my leg, making fun of the 'old guy'.

"When is your birthday?", she continued.

"December fourth", I answered.  "I'm a sagittarius."

"Omiggod!" they exclaimed in unison. "You're an ophiuchus!"

Suddenly feeling like a unicorn, I finished my drink, bid my adieu and headed home unaccompanied to the king's lair.  I vowed to never do drugs before going clubbing again!

As I fell into slumber my thoughts drifted to unicorns, threesomes and a shadowy entity named Ophiuchus who wanted to spoil it all.