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Best Reasons for not going to work

Published:

The Washington Post Contest: Best Reasons for not coming to work 

- If it's all the same to you I won't be coming to work. The 
voices told me to clean all the guns today. 

- When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition 
to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good 
about it. 

- I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the 
other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some 
kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up 
until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by 
reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) 
clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on 
the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in 
late, or early. 

- My stigmata's acting up. 

- I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my 
previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Ok? 

- I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know 
we have that deadline to meet... 

- I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Wal-Mart 


- Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit 
disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be 
able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with 
AT&T, but thank you for calling. 

- Constipation has made me a walking time bomb. 

- I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I 
shouldn't come in to work knowing my employee records may now 
contain false innormation. 

- The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even 
gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am 
startled. 

- The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet. 

- I prefer to remain an enigma. 

- My mother-in-law has come back as one of the undead and 
we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her 
heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it. 

- I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined 
that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have 
to arrange for helicopter transportation. 

- I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian. 

- I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates. 

- My wife makes more money than I do, so I have to stay at 
home with our sick son. 

- I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there 
is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share. 

- I'm feeling a little disgruntled this morning. You sure I 
should come in? 
Entry #4

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