The Washington Post Contest: Best Reasons for not coming to work  

- If it's all the same to you I won't be coming to work. The  
voices told me to clean all the guns today.  

- When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition  
to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good  
about it.  

- I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the  
other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some  
kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up  
until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by  
reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi)  
clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on  
the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in  
late, or early.  

- My stigmata's acting up.  

- I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my  
previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Ok?  

- I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know  
we have that deadline to meet...  

- I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Wal-Mart  


- Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit  
disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be  
able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with  
AT&T, but thank you for calling.  

- Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.  

- I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I  
shouldn't come in to work knowing my employee records may now  
contain false innormation.  

- The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even  
gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am  
startled.  

- The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.  

- I prefer to remain an enigma.  

- My mother-in-law has come back as one of the undead and  
we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her  
heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.  

- I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined  
that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have  
to arrange for helicopter transportation.  

- I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.  

- I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.  

- My wife makes more money than I do, so I have to stay at  
home with our sick son.  

- I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there  
is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.  

- I'm feeling a little disgruntled this morning. You sure I  
should come in?