Best Reasons for not going to work
Published: August 26, 2004, 4:21 pm
- If it's all the same to you I won't be coming to work. The
voices told me to clean all the guns today.
- When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition
to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good
- I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the
other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some
kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up
until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by
reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi)
clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on
the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in
late, or early.
- My stigmata's acting up.
- I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my
previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Ok?
- I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know
we have that deadline to meet...
- I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Wal-Mart
- Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit
disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be
able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with
AT&T, but thank you for calling.
- Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
- I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I
shouldn't come in to work knowing my employee records may now
contain false innormation.
- The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even
gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am
- The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
- I prefer to remain an enigma.
- My mother-in-law has come back as one of the undead and
we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her
heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
- I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined
that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have
to arrange for helicopter transportation.
- I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
- I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
- My wife makes more money than I do, so I have to stay at
home with our sick son.
- I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there
is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
- I'm feeling a little disgruntled this morning. You sure I
should come in?