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Red States


Sent to me by a friend, probably in reponse to signed petitions seeking permission for their states to peacefully secede from the United States. I find this amusing, not neceessarily my point of view!

Dear Red States:

We're ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics and we've decided we're leaving. That's right, leaving. We in New York and California intend to form our own country and take the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the rest of the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of our new country, The Enlightened States of America (E.S.A).

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stemcell research and the best beaches. We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren.  You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin.  We get the Statue of Liberty.  You get OpryLand.  We get Intel* and Microsoft.  You get WorldCom.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.  We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to force the Red States to pay their fair share. Good luck.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.
With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's freshfruit, *95% of America's quality wines* (you can serve French wines at state dinners), 90% of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all living redwoods,sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. We get Princeton, Penn, Haverford, Colgate, U of R. You get Ole' Miss.
As the Red States, you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.  We get Hollywood and Yosemite.  Thank you.
38% of those in the Red States believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy <snip>s believe you are people with higher morals than we 'lefties'.
We're taking the good weed too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.
Citizens of the Enlightened States of America
Entry #2


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