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Redneck book of manners ....

Published:

Last Edited: June 8, 2006, 9:29 am

Came in email ... hope you get a chuckle!!    Green laugh

 
 THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS
 
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is
still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

***DINING OUT ***
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant
may not have dogs.

***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***

1 A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his
manners are.

***PERSONAL HYGIENE***

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Women:  Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as
they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of
finger foods

***DATING (Outside the Family) ***

1 Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to
go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years
ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it
is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such
as, "Ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."

***WEDDINGS***

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an
appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the
sack.

***DRIVING ETIQUETTE***

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.


TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
Entry #373

Comments

1.
angelmComment by angelm - June 8, 2006, 11:21 am
That Is Funny!
2.
konaneComment by konane - June 8, 2006, 11:41 am
Thanks for reading, thanks much for your comments!!
3.
LottoVantageComment by LottoVantage - June 8, 2006, 12:08 pm
I grew up in the south, but you had to drive past the city limits or to the trailer parks, and this stuff ain't too far off!! lol
4.
konaneComment by konane - June 8, 2006, 12:16 pm
Yep same here.... have seen it more times than I'd care to admit!!
5.
emilygComment by emilyg - June 8, 2006, 1:16 pm
Funny - true!!!!
6.
csfbComment by csfb - June 8, 2006, 1:30 pm
Ha, ha, that is really so funny!!! Since I came to America in the early '90s, I kept hearing jokes about rednecks! I do not even know if I have met a real McCoy. Maybe when I do, I'll just start laughing; but hopefully, not.
7.
konaneComment by konane - June 8, 2006, 1:43 pm
Come to the south, go out in nowheresville and you just might come across some!!
8.
ToddComment by Todd - June 8, 2006, 4:03 pm
Those are great! I haven't seen those before, too funny! I love the heading, "DATING (Outside the Family)" ;-D

-Todd
9.
konaneComment by konane - June 8, 2006, 4:14 pm
Had never seen any of those either. Very glad they're giving so many people a good laugh!!
10.
csfbComment by csfb - June 8, 2006, 6:21 pm
Good idea Konane - sometimes I just wanna pack my truck and just drive away to nowhereland.   I actually do that sometimes: search for fossils, old barns and mudhuts. Meet real people. Last month, we flew to Gatlinberg, TN and drove to neighboring states. Met some real Indians, I think. Is TN, part of the south. Hey, I'm showing my ignorance. Thing is, where I go, usually, the people I meet are either tourists or business people. Very boring!
11.
Litebets27Comment by Litebets27 - June 8, 2006, 6:36 pm
Funny stuff. I just read some of this to my Daughter. One of her roommates loves to hunt,( although, he rarely hits anything). He once asked if he could have a beaver that he killed, stuffed and mounted to use as a centerpiece. We had a good laugh at that one. Thanks.
12.
konaneComment by konane - June 8, 2006, 7:10 pm
Csfb sometimes in nowhereland you meet some of the best people in the world, just plain good people.
Yes, Tennessee is definitely in the south. Check out some of the older antebellum mansions around Nashville. Am sure there are other areas in Tennessee that have them but am working from memory.

Litebets, you might do someithing with that stuffed beaver around Halloween!!!!! Just kidding!! Happy you all had a laugh!!
13.
LOTTOMIKEComment by LOTTOMIKE - June 8, 2006, 7:36 pm
very funny!! csfb tennessee is definitely southern......
14.
csfbComment by csfb - June 8, 2006, 8:57 pm
You are right ,Konane, about the best people. They are so unaffected by sophistication. Was born and raised in a little village myself. Life was so simple then...

My oh my, LottoMike, I see you're from TN. Please don't tell me you're a redneck.
15.
konaneComment by konane - June 8, 2006, 8:59 pm
Csfb, where are you from originally if you don't mind my asking?

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