|Posted: December 30, 2005, 1:19 pm - IP Logged|
Let's modify an old joke:
Q: Why does New Jersey have the most toxic waste dumps of any state in the union and Indiana has the most corrupt lottery?
A: Because New Jersey got to pick first.
I actually think your remarks are spot on. What would happen if someone did stand up there and pull some stunts like you described? Well in my fantasy (when I win Powerball) I intend to find out. I have a pair of Groucho glasses and a Puros Indios "Chief" cigar (which is 18 inches long!), and I plan to have a T-shirt emblazened on the front with one of those signs like you see when they ban smoking. But instead of A lit cigarette in a red circle with a diagonal line through it, mine will have 3 big letters inside the red circle and the diagonal line will run through the letters...RNG! Then in a tribute to our director, who in her tireless efforts to (ahem) "reform the Hoosier Lottery" has banned the use of "post it notes" by Hoosier Lottery employees, I plan to present her with something given to my employer by a Hooseir Lottery representative...a pad of post it notes with the words Hoosier Lottery printed on it.
Then after the director hands me that idiotic cardboard check and shakes my hand I plan to do the "Adrian Monk" routine and pull out one of those sanitary wipes and clean my hands.
Next, I'll have my 2 new media advisors Butch and Spike pass out my prepared written statement to the assembeld members of the 4th Estate and I'll read from it as the camers are rolling. It begins with; One would think that winning a substantial lottery prize would be an occasion for great joy and happiness. And it is...or rather it was. That is until I met with the officials from the Hoosier Lottery...
Then, after I've conlcuded my diatribe on Lottery reform, (my fantasy continues) I'll introduce my 2 new charitable advisors...Bubba and Brutus and tell everyone who wants a donation to submit their request to them...IN PERSON!
And then I'll take questions from the press. Every time a reporter asks me a question I intend to ask them their name, the county of their residence, how much money are they paid, how often do they get paid, are they married, do they have any family, and how do they feel talking to some smuchk who just won the lottery and has much more money then they'll ever have. If they refuse to answer...I'll remind them that by virtue of their profession they are public figures and that the public is curious about them and indeed has a right to know the details of their private life. If they still refuse to answer...I'll tell them to sit down and move on to the next reporter and repeat the process. If they don't sit down I'm sure Butch or Spike can persuade them to cooperate.
Then as I prepare to leave Lottery headquarters with my escort...members of a motorcycle gang...I'll "accidently" drop a Springfield M1911 .45 ACP Pistol. When I bend down to pick it up all kinds of stuff...like a Ruger snubnose .38 special, a set of brass knuckles, a switchblade, a blackjack, and a stun gun will fall out of my pockets and I'll make a big show of picking everything up.
Then with a porn starlet on each arm I'll climb into my custom made stretch limo (a converted armored car) and drive away. As we roar through the streest of Indianapoils (bikers and all in tow) I'll open the windows and let the pit bulls stick their heads out. Dogs love to do that!
Yes boys and girls I'll make the citizens of this great state proud and I'll leave the officials at the Hoosier Lottery saying Hmmmm? Maybe we should rethink this whole anonymity thing!
The only down side to the whole thing is when I when Powerball I intend to take the cash option. Why is that a downside? Because man it would be sooooooooooo kewl to show up at Hoosier Lottery headquarters once a year for the next 29 years just to pick up the annuity check and repeat the whole show!
Now for those of you who don't understand (or appreciate) sarcasim let me make it clear...I'd much rather collect the money discreetly, retire quietly and be able to live my life in the quiet solitude I'm accustomed to without all the hoopla and fanfare. But if they insist...then...
PS I must confess that the porn starlet thing is not my idea. I got that idea form a lady friend of mine who plays the Lottery all the time. (She actually thinks I should hire about 2 dozen of them and show up at Lottery headquarters in a pair of pajamas surrounded by a bevy of beauties.) She is a retired school teacher and one of her many ideas is to show up at lottery headquarters and secretly plant a bunch of male strippers in the press corps. When the press conference opens one of them would stand up pretend to be a reporter, ask a question and then suddenly launch into his routine. Then one by one the others would jump up and join in until they were all dancing naked in front of the cameras. She would then pretend to be utterly horrified and completely embarrassed, run out of the room and refuse to go before the cameras again. She is convinced that the lottery would immediately end the press conference and destroy the video tape. LOL You gotta love lottery players.
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. - Groucho Marx