|Posted: November 22, 2007, 11:27 am - IP Logged|
How to hug and show someone you love them:
Cousin Bob is weighing heavily on your mind the night before Thanksgiving. Last year he got drunk and cursed everyone out if they even looked at him, cleared the room by passing the most toxic gas known to man every five minutes, dirty danced until he'd felt up every female in the house, including his own mother, took a squat in the kitty litter box traumatizing your cat for life and ended the evening by up-chucking on your prize winning Irish Setter, LaddyBoy Blue. You tossed and turned all night fearing that this irresponsible, knucklehead will show up for dinner today. First thing this morning, you hide every bottle of alcohol in your house, including the rubbing kind and hope beyond all hope that this drunken idiot will not find it. Sorry, he anticipated this turn of events and brought a gallon of moonshine he'd been saving to christen your brand new house, new carpet, new furniture, and larger kittylitter box.
He walks through the door exclaiming, "Bob is in the house muthaf&%$#&*!!!! Let the good times roll!!!"
Your Catholic Nun, Aunt, Sister Mary Sue, practically has a heart attack but someone quickly revives the shocked sister. They grabbed the jug Bob brought, tossed the contents onto her face, poured a little down her throat, and she quickly jumped up trying to scream from the burning sensation, ripping her throat and stomach lining apart. Cousin Bob curses in disgust at such a ridiculous spectacle and the waste of a fine, aged moonshine on one who doesn't appreciate the finer things in life. Bob isn't too worried though, only a cup of the entire gallon was wasted.
Before Bob can start to, "get his drink on", it's time to give him a hug.
1. Approach Cousin Bob with a big, happy smile on your face.
2. Look around to make sure no one else is looking.
3. Wrap your arms ever so tenderly around his upper torso (the chest area where the lungs and heart are).
4. Kiss him ever so lightly on the cheek.
5. Proceed to squeeze him, adding more and more pressure with every passing second.
6. Apply boa constrictor pressure until Bob starts to turn blue.
Bob will try to scream at this point so it's necessary to have an accomplis standing by ready to stuff a wrag down his throat to muffle the screams.
7. After Bob has gone limp from lack of air and oxygen to his brain, take him into the basement.
8. Tie him up.
9. Apply electrical tape to his mouth. (He may not stay unconcious throughout the night and you don't want to upset any other guests)
10. Go back upstairs and enjoy the rest of your evening.
This hug works well with unruly children as well.
When his presence is missed, explain that he wasn't feeling well and he's taking a nap in the basement and he's not to be disturbed.
Have a club ready just in case he's able to squirm his way out of bondage.
HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!
Give Cousin Bob a kiss for me.