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pacattack05's Blog

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80 year old checkup

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Entry #350

Roy the rooster

This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.

The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud.

So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?"

The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy had his way with every one of those hens and then with a duck and a goose at a pond.

The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead.

The farmer says, "Roy, why did you have to die?"

Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"

Entry #349

Qoute

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.

Entry #348

The blind man

The Blind Man

A blind man is sitting on a park bench. A rabbi sits down next to him. The
rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzah. Taking pity on the blind man, he
breaks off a piece and gives it to the blind man. Several minutes later,
the blind man turns taps the rabbi on the shoulder and asks, "Who wrote
this junk?"

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah-he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr. Epstein, are you comfortable?" Epstein replies, "I make a nice living...."

 

  • Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.

    • A minister was asked by a politician, "Name something the government can do to help the church", the minister replied, "Quit making one dollar bills."

     

    Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."

     

      A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
        A little boy was kneeling beside his bed with his mother and grandmother and softly saying his prayers, "Dear God, please bless Mummy and Daddy and all the family and please give me a good night's sleep."

        Suddenly he looked up and shouted, "And don't forget to give me a bicycle for my birthday!!"

        "There is no need to shout like that," said his mother. "God isn't deaf."

        "No," said the little boy, "but Grandma is."

          One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

          The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."

          God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"

          But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."

          The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

          God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. Go get your own dirt!"

            Minister: Do you know what's in the Bible?

            Little Girl: Yes. I think I know everything that's in it.

            Minister: You do? Tell me.

            Little Girl: OK. There's a picture of my brother's girlfriend, a ticket from the dry cleaners, one of my curls, and a Pizza Hut coupon.
            Q. Why didn't Noah go fishing?
            A. He only had two worms!
              A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the
              phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone.

              "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she responded back to the minister, "Mommy can't talk on the phone right now; she's hitting the bottle."
              Q. Who is the best financial planner in the Bible.
              A. Noah,he was floating stock when everyone else was liquidated.

    Entry #347

    Business is business

    Business is Business

     
    One day at kindergarten, a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $5 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
    A little Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."
    The Teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
    Then a little Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
    The Teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
    Finally, a little Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
    The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin. Come up here and I'll give you the $5."
    As the Teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know, Marvin, since your're Jewish, I was very surprised you said 'Jesus Christ'."
    Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart, I knew it was Moses, but business is business."
    Entry #346

    My money

    Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded.

    Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this! I'm a United States Congressman!"

    "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money!"

    Entry #340

    Things to ponder

    .

    2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

    3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

    6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

    8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

    9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

    10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

    11. Is there another word for synonym?

    12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

    13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

    14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

    15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

    16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

    17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

    20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

    21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

    22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through  bank machines?

    23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

    24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

    25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

    32. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

    36. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

    38. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

    39. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

    40. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

    41. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

    43. If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

     

     

    Entry #336
    Page 37 of 60
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