ochoop17's Blog

. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There's one thing the Democrats and Republicans share in common: Our money.

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 20th wedding anniversary.

The husband gave his wife a gift -- a tombstone, with the inscription: "Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever."

Later, the furious wife bought a return present, also a tombstone, on which the inscription read: "Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last."

A man was at the country club playing his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.

He ended up playing all 18 of course, finishing his round shooting a personal best of 61, shattering the club record by 5 strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.

He was jubilant... then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed off to the hospital. He found the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf, didn't you?! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past three hours enjoying yourself at the country club, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock' care. And YOU'LL be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just messing with ya, she's dead. So, what'd you shoot?"

Three guys are talking in a pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives; the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked.

"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"

A 75-year-old man went to the doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year-old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, Doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then with her left, but nothing."

The old man continued, "She even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar opened!"

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the pheasant, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.

Finally, after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree, whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull<snip> might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Tim O'Rourke was walking his Irish Setter in the countryside. He picked up a stick and threw it, the dog went and retrieved it and brought it back. Tim then threw it in a different direction and the dog once again went and retrieved it and brought it back.

Tim then threw it in another direction and it landed in a small lake. The dog went down to the water's edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back.

Tim was astounded. He couldn't believe what he had seen and threw the stick in the lake again, and the dog once again walked across the water to bring the stick back. As he went into town, he promised that he would show his dog's wonderful new trick to the first person he came across.

Once in town, the first person Tim came across was the town drunk Declan Dunphy. Tim dragged Declan to the lake to show him what his dog could do.

Once again, Tim threw the stick into the small lake and the dog went to the water's edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back to its owner. Once the drunk saw that, he turned to Tim and said, "Why that's great, mister! But when are you going to teach your dog how to swim?"

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.


Life is sexually transmitted.


Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection make him
a sandwich.


Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet
and they won't bother you for weeks.


Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't
help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs...


Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.


All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.


Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut
saves you thirty cents?

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said,

"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river".

With even greater emphasis he said,

"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said,

"And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile,

"For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365, 'Shall We Gather at the River

A young man asked an old rich guy how he made his money. The old guy said, "Well, son, it was 1932, the depths of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for 10 cents. The next morning, I invested those 10 cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 p.m. for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of a $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us 10 million dollars."