ochoop17's Blog

Fifteen minutes into the flight from New York to Phoenix, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another hour. But don't worry, we still have one engine left."

Sherry, a young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and sighed, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the first guy.

"Well, not exactly. She's more into the trick dog aspect of it," replied his friend.

"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" asked the first guy.

"Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg; then she rolls over and plays dead."

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

A preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a backslider of his flock whose drinking of moonshine invariably led to quarreling with his neighbors, and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them.

"Can't you see, Ben," intoned the parson, "that not one good thing comes out of this drinking?"

"Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the backslider. "It makes me miss the folks I shoot at."

OVER THE HILL

We're over the hill but don't feel sad
This side of the hill ain't all that bad.
So give us "five" and then a smile
To us who have been here for awhile.

With by-pass pain and mended hip
And plumbing fixtures prone to drip;
We all may seem a sorry lot,
But we rejoice for what we've got.

We have each day and what it brings
And on our pensions live like kings.
For the press that accuses what we take
To coin a phrase, "Let them eat cake."

We've paid our share for unused knowledge
As the kids are now all done with college.
We complain to them about our health
As they worry about our dwindling wealth.

And though our wardrobes may be plain
We'll suffer no more labor or pain.
Now it's with cane we do our strut
And if we can't drive - we still can putt.

We're mean and tough, meet all demands,
Why, M&M's melt in our hands.
Yes, we're still here, and it does delight us
That you join our fight against arthritis.

But we ask you make a pledge today
That you'll be careful what you say.
We have to spread "Over the Hill" fear
Or we'll have those young folks over here.

ARGUMENT
A couple was driving down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."

ue to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony. Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says, "I'm going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy."
     
      Not to be outdone, Britney rips a $1000 bill in half and throws it out the window, saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy."
     
      Not even noticing Britney's stupid move, Christina brags, "Look, I'm going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier."
     
      At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."

Sammy was up to his eyes in money troubles and could see no way out except winning the lottery. He went to the synagogue and prayed to win. At the next draw he waited confidently, but was disappointed.

He returned to the synagogue and prayed again, pointing out that he had lived an exemplary life, devoutly observing dietary laws, and contributing to Jewish charities. Still at the next draw he didn't win.

He returned to the synagogue close to despair, but before he could find the words a voice spoke to him out of the clouds: "OK, you want to win the lottery. But please, meet me halfway. Buy a ticket."

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.

Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation.

Speaking in a cheery voice, the woman says, "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. OK. Bye-bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"

"I'm very sorry, sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about the situation.

They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no problem, damn it!" the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see," says the manager. "Is this bi--h giving you a hard time?"

One day an Englishman, an American and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They preceded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their pints. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAST-RD!!!"

A Sure Cure

hree Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.
     
      Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."
     
      The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!!!

It was obvious to Mom and Dad that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie without their 9-year-old son hanging around was to send him out on the balcony. So they ordered him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary, "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by. It looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Max is riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too."

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, sir," the new employee replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."