ochoop17's Blog

The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch. He asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?

"Well," replied the pirate, "while my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant. I was arrested and my hand was cut off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch?"

"A sea gull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook..."

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. When they returned, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly, she burst out crying. "But mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what's making you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words."

Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mama... words like dust, wash, iron, cook..."

When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend...

When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He always got mad, he did impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and
ran off with my best friend.

I am now 40, and I'm looking for a guy with a big d---.

It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest:

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

A college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders. The coach
said, "You're such a big guy--why did you marry such a petite woman? She's no
bigger than your hand."
"That's right, Coach," replied the lineman, "but she's much better!"

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect
courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course,
perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving
their perfect car (a Grand Caravan of course) along a winding road, when they
noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple,
they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint
any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his
toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving
conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first
place. Everyone knows there are no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect
man.

****Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep
scrolling****.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect
woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this (most of you are), this
illustrates another point: women never listen.

Q. How do men exercise at the beach?  A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.       

Q. What does a man consider to be a seven-course meal?  A. A hot dog and a six-pack.       

Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said.

Manager: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job"

Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"

Manager: "We have made our decisions not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."

Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

Manager: "Simple, the American put down on question #5, "I don't know.", You put down "Neither do I."

William and Mildred were married for 25 years. They decided to celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. William brushed her off rather rudely. Mildred objected, "William, she was nice, that young woman, and you were so rude."

"Mildred, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet, young thing?

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it." In their room, William called down to the desk and asked for Candie to come to room 1217.

"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, okay?" She did. Soon, there was a knock on the door. William opened it and Candie walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.

"So, I see you're interested after all," she said.

William asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

William was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Candie laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said William, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Mildred came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it."

William said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their tails, Candie came up behind William, pointed slyly at Mildred, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in thirty minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you take him for me please?"

Now picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses that day. People scattered not only trying to change planes but also trying to change airlines!

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families. Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do." Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't." Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

A guy blows a stop sign in Philly and gets caught by a policeman. The cop says, "License and registration please."

Guy says, "What for?"

Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Guy says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop, license and registration, please."

Guy says, "What's the difference?"

Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop. License and registration, please!"

Guy says, "If you can show me the difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration."

Cop says, "Okay, exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the cop takes out his night stick, starts beating up the guy and asks, "Now, do you want me to slow down or stop?"

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

Three men -- a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer -- are in Miami beach for a two-week period helping out on a project. About midweek, they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumble upon a lamp.

As they rub the lamp, a genie appears and says, "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The hardware engineer goes first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie grants him his wish and sends him on off to St. Thomas.

The software engineer is next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie grants him his wish and sends him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it's the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie. "I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.