ochoop17's Blog

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, the slowest and weakest ones at the back are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

A guy sees a pretty lady at the end of the bar and is interested in buying her a drink. He tells the bartender that he will buy her another of whatever she is drinking. The bartender says ''OK, I'll pour it for her. But just for your information, she's a hooker. She'll do what you want for money.''

The drink gets delivered and the woman makes eyes at the guy, inviting him over. After a couple of minutes of chatting, the guy gets up the nerve to ask her: ''The bartender says you're a hooker, is that true?''

The woman says ''Yes. I do it for the money. In fact, I'll do anything for $200.''

The guy thinks for a minute and then pulls out $200, gives it to her and says ''Paint my house.''

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.

Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.

Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.

I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".

"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?

"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."

The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.

The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"

The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."

The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.

Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"

The man looks up and says, "Apparently my wife does."

HEAVIER
Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

One day a man and his wife were walking around the mall when they came across one of those penny scales that tells your fortune and weight.

"Well," says his wife, "go ahead." He chuckles to himself and figures, why not? He drops in a coin and eagerly reads the results.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful, and an absolutely great lover!"

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong too!"

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. On one wet and lusty day, she was in bed with her lover when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to him. "Jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window, it's raining out there!" came the reply from beneath the sheets.

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems."

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window. As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon. So he started running alongside the others about -- 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. It wasn't that effective! After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes," he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes," he answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Only if it's raining."

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Two priests attend the same church every Sunday. One drives and one rides a bike. One Sunday, the bike rider shows up without his bike.

The first priest asks, "Where is your bike?" The second answers, "I don't know if it was stolen or simply lost."

The first priest says, "Just recite the 10 Commandments when you are alone. When you get to Thou Shall Not Steal, you will get your bike back."

The next week, the second priest shows up with his bike. The first priest says, "See I told you it would work." The second priest says, "It sure did. When I got to Thou Shall not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left it."

The little sexy housewife was built so well that the TV repairman couldn't take his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd just about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her.

When he'd finished, she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a... well... an unusual request. But first, you have to promise me that you'll keep it a secret."

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man..."

The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes, yes..."

"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door..."

"Yes, yes..."

"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"

Grandpa and Grandma were living with their son and daughter-in-law. Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he could
have one.

His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one - they're very strong and expensive."

Grandpa said, "I know, but I want to try one. How much are they?"

His son replied, "$10 each."

Grandpa only had a $50 bill but was going to the bank. He told his son that he would leave $10 under his pillow that night.

The next morning his son found $110 under his pillow and said, "Dad, I told you it was only $10. There's $110 under my pillow!"

Grandpa said, "That's ok, the other $100 is from Grandma!"

1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
13. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

She's Such A Bit..(expletive)