ochoop17's Blog

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As the bartender gives her a drink she says, "It's my birthday today and
I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink.
In fact I'll take care of this one for you."

As the woman finishes her drink a woman to her right says, "I guess I should
buy you a drink too."

The 80 year-old woman says, "Alright. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops
of water."

"Alright" says the bartender.

As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "Since I'm the only one
around you that hasn't bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one
too."

The old woman says, "Alright, bartender I want a scotch and two drops
of water."

"Comin' right up" the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am I'm dying of curiosity. Why the
scotch and only two drops of water?"

The woman replies, "Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold
your liquor but you sure can't hold your water!"

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, How does this boat float? The father replied, Don't rightly know son. A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, How do fish breath underwater? Once again the father replied, Don't rightly know son. A little later the boy asked his father, Why is the sky blue? Again, the father repied. Don't rightly know son. Finally, the boy asked his father, Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions? The father replied, Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothing.

During a wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, the bride and groom arrived to the part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it was time for the groom's vows, the vicar looked the young man in the eye and said:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The vicar put the $100 in the groom's hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

Two buddies named Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.

Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games per year and they even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.

"Bob, is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it's me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

Morris complained to his friend Irving that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring.

"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving.

"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"

"That's easy... just keep her in the waiting room for 59 minutes!"

1. Men are like... coffee. The best ones are rich, hot and can keep you up all night.
2. Men are like... computers. Hard to figure out and never enough memory.
3. Men are like... laxatives. They irritate the s**t out of you.
4. Men are like... coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
5. Men are like... chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like... newborn babies. They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their crap.
7. Men are like... power tools. They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.
8. Men are like... remote controls. Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.
9. Men are like... shag carpets. Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.
10. Men are like... vacuum cleaners. They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.
11. Men are like... road kill. They usually just lie around until they start to smell.
12. Men are like... bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
13. Men are like... soap operas. They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.
14. Men are like... pillows. Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.
15. Men are like... old car tires. Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.
16. Men are like... plastic wrap. Cheap. Clingy. And very easy to see through.
17. Men are like... department stores. Their clothes should always be half off.
18. Men are like... horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
19. Men are like... plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
20. Men are like... curling irons. They're always hot and they're always in your hair.
21. Men are like... cement. After getting laid they take along time to get hard.
22. Men are like... government bonds. They take so long to mature.
23. Men are like... high heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
24. Men are like... lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
25. Men are like... floor tiles. If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years.
26. Men are like... blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
27. Men are like... commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
28. Men are like... copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
29. Men are like... mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
30. Men are like... used cars. Both are easy-to-get, cheap and unreliable.
31. Men are like... bank machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest.
32. Men are like... bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
33. Men are like... crystal. Some look real good, but you can still see right thru them.
34. Men are like... dry cleaners. Most work fast and leave no ring.
35. Men are like... popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
36. Men are like... place mats. They only show up when there's food on the table

There is a blind man here to see you

Pondering Old Age
How do I know that my youth is all spent?
Well, my get up and go has got up and went.
But in spite of it all I am able to grin
when I recall where my get up has been.
Old age is golden-so I've heard it said-
but sometimes I wonder when I get into bed,
with my ears in a drawer and my teeth in a cup,
my eyes on the table until I wake up.
Ere sleep dims my eyes I say to myself,
"Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?"
And I'm happy to say as I close my door,
my friends are the same, perhaps even more.
When I was young, my slippers were red,
I could pick up my heels right over my head.
When I grew older, my slippers were blue,
but still I could dance the whole night through.
But now I am old, my slippers are black,
I walk to the store and puff my way back.
The reason I know my youth is all spent,
my get up and go has got up and went.
But I really don't mind when I think, with a grin,
of all the grand places my get up has been.
Since I have retired from life's competition,
I accommodate myself with complete repetition.
I get up each morning, and dust off my wits,
pick up my paper and read the "obits".
If my name is missing, I know I'm not dead,
so I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

3 Proud Parents
3 men were gathering one day to talk about how successful there sons were doing.

The first man says, "My son has been doing so successful as a lawyer he got a mansion and shares it with his friend."

The second mans says, "My son has been so successful as a doctor that he bought a convertible and a private jet for his friend."

The third man says, "Well, my son hasn't been so "successful". In fact, I just learned he was gay and I've accepted that fact. I guess he must be doing good though because he lives in a mansion with his friend and owns a private jet and a convertible."

William and Mildred were married for 25 years. They decided to celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. William brushed her off rather rudely. Mildred objected, "William, she was nice, that young woman, and you were so rude."

"Mildred, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet, young thing?

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it." In their room, William called down to the desk and asked for Candie to come to room 1217.

"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, okay?" She did. Soon, there was a knock on the door. William opened it and Candie walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.

"So, I see you're interested after all," she said.

William asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

William was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Candie laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said William, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Mildred came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it."

William said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their tails, Candie came up behind William, pointed slyly at Mildred, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated
conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”

“You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t speak aloud in pubic places about our sex lives…

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my
frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”