ochoop17's Blog

A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. So she immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned to a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed even more amused. When, on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this... When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming,' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident,' I just lost it."

"Yes, Sir." the employee replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

A worker who was being paid by the week approached his employer and held up his last paycheck. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.

"I know," the employer said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."

"Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake," the worker answered, "but when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

A business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following:

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign also says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect spreadsheet that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time, the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went over to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at that manager calmly and said, "Meow."

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It use to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn't decide who he should grant full custody to.

So he asks the little boy, "Would you like to live with your mother?"

"No." said the boy.

"Why not?" said the judge.

"Because she beats me."

The judge says "Okay, then you'll go live with your father."

"Oh no," cried the boy, "he beats me too."

Dumbfounded, the judge asks "Okay who do you want to live with?"

"I want to live with the Detroit Lions."

"Why?" asks the judge.

"They never beat anybody."

Adam was roaming around the Garden of Eden making up names for all the animals that were there. He also noticed that there were two kinds of each species - male and female. And he also noticed that most of the animals were mating and seemed to be enjoying this very much. So, he went to his special place and called out in a loud voice, "Hey, God!". And a loud booming voice replied, "Yes, Adam".

Adam: "Hey, God - There's an awful lot of animals down here."

God: "Yes, Adam - I have created many species and I trust you have not run out of names for them."

Adam: "No, that's not the problem. But, I have noticed that there are two kinds of each species."

God: "Yes, Adam. One kind is male and the other is female."

Adam: "Hey, God - why is there a male and a female of each species ?"

God: "So they can mate and procreate. This will ensure the continuation of the species."

Adam: "Hey, God."

God: (sigh) "Yes, Adam."

Adam: "Which am I?"

God: "You, Adam, are a male."

Adam: "Hey, God, I've noticed that most of the animals are mating --- and they seem to be really enjoying themselves. If it isn't too much trouble, do you think...maybe,....I could..."

God: "All right, Adam. The time has come for me to provide you with a mate. Go lie down and when you have fallen asleep, I will create your mate."

So, Adam leaves his special place, finds a patch of soft grass under a tree, lies down, and falls asleep. Some time later he awakes (possibly due to a slight pain in his side) and heads immediately to his special place.

Adam: "Hey, God."

God: "Yes, Adam."

Adam:"Hey, God - did you remember to do what you promised ?"

God: "Yes, Adam. While you were sleeping I created for you a mate. Her name is Eve. You will find her in the bushes near the place where you were sleeping."

Adam rushes off to find Eve in the bushes. A few minutes later he is back at his special place, calling ...

Adam: "Hey, God."

God: "Yes, Adam."

Adam: "What's a headache?"

10 Laws of Computing

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.
7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.
8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
9. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

Qualifying for Heaven
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it. The teacher answered quickly, That would be the Titanic. St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't really need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: How many people died on the ship? Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. 1,228, he answered. That's right! You may enter. St. Peter turned to the lawyer. Name them.

You get this one, next round is on me."
(We won't be here long enough to get another round.)

"I'll get this one, next round is on you."
(Happy hour is about to end...beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop, sucker.)

"Hey, where is that friend of yours?"
(I have no interest in talking to you, but I want to get your attractive friend in a compromising position.)

"What do you have on tap?"
(What's cheap?)

"I'll have a glass of house white." (Female)
(I'm easy.)

"I'll have a glass of house white." (Male)
(I'm gay.)

"I'll have an amaretto & OJ." (Female)
(I'm really easy.)

"I'll have an amaretto & OJ." (Male)
(I'm really gay.)

"Ever try a body shot?" (Female To Male)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, can you imagine what I'll do to you in bed?)

"I don't feel well, let's go home." (Female)
(You're paying more attention to your friends than to me.)

"I don't feel well, let's go home." (Male)
(I'm horny.)

"Excuse me." (Male To Male)
(Get the hell out of the way.)

"Excuse me." (Male To Female)
(I am going to grope you now and blame it on the crowd.)

"Excuse me." (Female To Male)
(Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of my way.)

"Excuse me." (Female To Female)
(Move your fat a**. Who do you think you are anyway? You're certainly not all that, missy, coming in here dressed like a hooker...And get your eyes off my man, or I'll slap you like the "beach" that you are!)

It's great to be a guy

1. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
2. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
3. You can open all your own jars.
4. The National College Cheerleading Championship
5. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
6. You don't have to shave below your neck.
7. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
8. Chocolate is just another snack.
9. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
10. The garage is all yours.
11. Flowers fix everything.
12. Your last name stays put.
13. You can kill your own food.
14. Monday Night Football.
15. You can be president.
16. You know stuff about tanks.
17. Everything on your face stays its original color.
18. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
19. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
22. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
23. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
24. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
25. You never have to clean the toilet.
26. Old friends don't annoy you if you've lost or gained weight.
27. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
28. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
29. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
30. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
31. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
32. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
33. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
34. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
35. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

What A Difference 36 Years Make
1970: Thinking of moving to a real kool place. 2006: Thinking of moving to a real warm place.
1970: News stories of people growing pot. 2006: The reality of growing a pot belly.
1970: Wore long hair 2006: Longing for hair
1970: Sitting around thinking of the perfect high. 2006: Sitting around thinking of the perfect high yield mutual fund.
1970: Finding a friend to split the price of a keg. 2006: Finding a friend to take me to have an EKG.
1970: Sitting through sessions of Acid Rock. 2006: Sitting through sessions of Acid Reflux.
1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with my mother and sister. 2006: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with my grown children.
1970: Trying to look like Richard Roundtree or Ron O'Neal. 2006: Trying NOT to look like Richard Roundtree or Ron O'Neal.
1970: Chewing on seeds and stems. 2006: Chewing on lots of roughage.
1970: Popping pills, smoking joints. 2006: Popping joints, needing those pills.
1970: Noting our president's struggle with Fidel. 2006: Noting our president's struggle with fidelity.
1970: Admiring JACK PAAR. 2006: Joining AARP
1970: Avoiding Killer weed. 2006: Avoiding Weed killer.
1970: Hoping to "get lucky" on a date. 2006: Hoping you won't catch anything from your "lucky" date.
1970: Reading about The Grateful Dead. 2006: Reading about Dr. Kevorkian.
1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint. 2006: Getting a new hip joint.
1970: Listening to the Rolling Stones. 2006: Struggling with Kidney stones.
1970: Yelling, "Screw the system!" 2006: Reminding yourself to, "Upgrade the damn system!"
1970: Throwing the Peace sign. 2006: Watching the Mercedes logo.
1970: Friends who wouldn't get their hair cut. 2006: Children begging to get their heads shaved.
1970: Talking to friends about taking acid. 2006: Talking to friends about taking antacid.
1970: Proud to be passing the driver's test. 2006: Barely passing the vision test.
1970: "Whatever" was a typical response. 2006: "That Depends" is the way to go.

Modern Fairy Tale
One day, an young girl is walking through a park when she hears a faint "help me, help me." She looks around and follows the quiet voice to a bush near the path. Looking under the bush she spies a little green frog trapped under a log. The girl moves the log and picks up the frog. "Oh, thank you, thank you," says the frog. "Take me home and put me on your pillow and in the morning I'll be a handsome Prince." So the girl takes the frog home and puts him on the pillow and there in the morning is a handsome prince. You don't believe that? Neither did her mother!

As a devout Catholic, Maria doesn’t use condoms with her husband. So over the years, they have had 17 children. After the husband died, Maria remarried and had another 22 kids with her second husband before he too dies. Eventually, Maria’s time also came.

At her wake, the priest looked tenderly at Maria lying in her coffin. Then, he looked up into the heavens and said, "At last... they are finally together."

A man standing next to the priest looked confused and asked, "Father, what do you mean? Do you mean Maria and her first husband? Or her second husband?"

Says the priest: "I mean her legs!"

Woman without her man is nothing
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing," on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."