ochoop17's Blog

A new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

The next Sunday, the new priest took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not, "Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God!"

14. Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

1- Dogs don't shop.
2- Dogs never expect gifts.
3- Dogs love it when your friends come over.
4- Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
5- The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
6- Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
7- Dogs don't notice if you call them by other names.
8- Dogs never want foot rubs.
9- Dogs are excited by rough play.
10- Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
11- It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
12- Dogs never need to examine a relationship.
13- Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
14- A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
15- A dog's parents never drop in to visit.
16- Dogs love long car rides.
17- Dogs understand that instincts are better than stopping for directions.
18- Dogs like beer.
19- No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
20- Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.

Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players!

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight, and not too often.

There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly - or start cheating.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice - once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it can not count, criticize, or laugh.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

Golf got it's name because all of the other four-letter words were taken.

A small boy ran down the street in search of a cop. Eventually finding one, he begged: "Please come back to the bar with me. My dad is in a fight!"

The officer accompanied him back to the bar where he found three men involved in a violent fistfight. "Ok, son," said the cop, "which one is your father?"

"I don't know," said the boy. "That's what they're fighting about!"

A young woman decided to come out of the closet. Nervously, she decided to approach her mother and found her in the kitchen where she was stirring stew with a wooden spoon.

Gathering up courage, she decided to blurt it out. "Mom, I'm gay!"

The mither carried on stirring the stew without looking up. "You mean lesbian?"

"Uh, yeah."

Still the mother continues stirring. "Does that mean you lick women down below?"

"Well, er, yes."

The mother finally looked up from the pot and, waving the spoon at her daughter, said: "Then don't you ever complain about my cooking again!"

A man went for a job with a major company. "I'm looking for a job as a consultant," he said.

The employer said: "No, sorry. We already have enough consultants."

"Ok, well, with my experience, I could be an adviser."

"No, we've got more then we can use already."

The applicant was becoming increaslingly desperate. "Look, I'm not proud. I can do paperwork - I'll be a clerk. If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor."

"I'm sorry," said the employer, "but we just don't seem to have any openings for someone with your qualifications."

At this, the applicant stood up, smashed his fist on the desk and stormed: "Work for you, I'd have to be a low-life, belly-crawling, double-dealing jerk!"

"Oh," said the employer, "you didn't say you were a lawyer. Sit down. We may have an opening after all."

A drunk staggered out a bar and began walking down the street, one foot on the curb, the other foot on the street.

Seeing this, a policeman went over to him and said: "You're drunk."

"Thank God for that!" Said the drunk. "I thought I was crippled."

A wife asked her husband to buy some organic vegetables. He went to the supermarket, but couldn't find any on the shelves. So he asked an elderly male employee: "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with poisonous chemicals?"

The employee said: "No. You'll have to do that yourself."

 nun was sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 10 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no," says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?"

Two Irishmen were sitting in a bar, watching the entrance to the brothel across the street. A Baptist minister went in, and one of the Irishmen said: "Ah, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." Then a rabbi went in, and the Irishman shook his head sadly and remarked: " 'Tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation." A few minutes later, a Catholic priest went in. "Ah, what a terrible shame," said the Irishman. "One of the girls must be very ill."

 man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. Confused but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps herself back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she returns to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next-door neighbor," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your stakeholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Cinderella Wishes


Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?'
The Fairy Godmother replied: 'Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. 'I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.' Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned.

Cinderella said 'Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!' The Fairy Godmother replied 'It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?' Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: 'I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again.'

At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again: 'You have one more wish, what shall you have?'

Cinderella looked over to Alan, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. 'I wish you to transform my old cat, Alan, into a beautiful and handsome young man.' Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicial make up, that when he stoof before her, he was a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother said: 'Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy your new life.' With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular arms.

He leant close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, 'I bet you regret having my b**ls chopped off now, don't you?'

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as she made me happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 40, and am looking for a woman with very big breasts.

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked him.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."