ochoop17's Blog

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom’s the best lay in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me..."

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad–you’re drunk!"

The Elevator
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

Best thing of being old

• The doctor tells his patient: "Well I have good news and bad news..." The patient says, "Lay it on me Doc. What's the bad news?" "You have Alzheimer's disease." "Good heavens! What's the good news?" "You can go home and forget about it!"
• An accident really uncanny, Befell an unfortunate granny. She sat down in a chair While her false teeth were there, And bit herself right in the fanny!
• The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it. The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.
• I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But... Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
• A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
  What is the best birth control method for really-old seniors? Nudity.
• What's the most useless thing in Grandma's house? Grandpa's thing.
• The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
• Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. "Hardly worth going home, isn't it?"
• When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.
• A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office. "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think you're 'sex drive' is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"
• God, grant me the Senility To forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune To run into the ones I do, And the eyesight To tell the difference.
• Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark. "Okay," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man."

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard weeping, but there was no ark.

"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is my ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a sprinkler system.

My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board.

Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls.

Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind.

Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filling out an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the Supreme Being. Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!

Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years."

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord. "The government already has."

1. Whine.
2. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.
3. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
4. When asked if something is bothering you, you reply no. Then get pissed off when you are believed.
5. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.
6. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.
7. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything. Except when paying for meals, plane tickets, concerts, beers, etc. These are required gifts proving his love.
8. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all of the stress of your life.
9. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep, it's because he is lazy.
10. Remember that any woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend must be labeled a whore and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quickly as possible.
11. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks, "What does two plus two equal?"

The mathematician replies, "Four."

The interviewer asks, "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says, "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question, "What does two plus two equal?" The accountant says, "On average, four -- give or take ten percent -- but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question, "What does two plus two equal?"

The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the blinds, sits down next to the interviewer, and says, "What do you want it to equal?"

1. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
2. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
3. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
4. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
5. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
6. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
7. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
8. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
9. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
10. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

Yesterday, A Final Song
Yesterday,
All my finals seemed so far away.
Then I realized they start today.
Oh, how I long for yesterday.
Suddenly,
I no longer have the grade of "B".
Now it's looking closer to a "C".
Oh, finals came so suddenly.
I can
cram, although I can blow
it off today.
Come to-
morrow morn, I'll get on
my knees and pray...
Yesterday,
This was such an easy tune to play.
Now my chops are all but gone away,
My jury's a half-hour away.
What I
have to show
I don't know,
the prof won't say.
I'll spell
something wrong, or I'll bomb
there goes my "A"
Yesterday.
Thought of graduating come this May.
Now it looks as though I'm here to stay,
Oh, how I long for Yesterday.
-Dead Poet's Society

It's legal to earn money playing hockey.
Many people play hockey even after they're married.
The puck's always hard.
The protective equipment is reusable.
It lasts at least an hour.
A two-on-one or a three-on-one is not uncommon.
You always know how big the stick is.
You can clean your stick in public without anyone minding.
You can change players on the fly.
You don't have to be embarrassed if you don't get the puck up.
Everyone is finished when the buzzer sounds.
Your parents cheer when you score.
Periods last only 20 minutes.
You're sure to get it at least twice a week.
You can tell your friends about it afterward.

Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.
1. Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. Cass Daley
2. Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.
3. Marriage is a rest period between romances.
4. Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
5. Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.
6. Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.
7. Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
8. Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. John Lyly
9. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
10. Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.
11. Marriage is an institution but who wants to live in an institution?
12. Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...
13. Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
14. Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
15. Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
16. Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
17. Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
18. Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.
19. May you never leave your marriage alive.
20. May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house.
21. May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.
22. May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.
23. May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.
24. Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing,
25. My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, And so made sure that she would stay, In better spirits night and day.
26. My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.

Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn't long before the center's Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said. "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

15- Your potted plants stay alive.

14- You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

13- 6:00am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

12- You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

11- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

10- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up".

9- You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

8- Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

7- You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

6- Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

5- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.

4- MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.

3- A $4 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".

2- Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, Diet Pepsi & Ho-Ho's.

1- Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure" 
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we 
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

Kid says, "$101,237.64."

Boss says, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"