ochoop17's Blog

Overcrowded church

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

Disney World and Viagra
	Q: What do Disney World & Viagra have in common? A: They both make you wait an hour for a two-minute ride!

Are you talking to me?

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

I Am Glad I Picked You

I saw you across a crowded room.
Among all the others that were there,
The lights seemed to shine down on you alone.
I knew then I had to have you for my own.

Willingly, you came with me to my home.
From the car, I carried you & threw the door.

Looking at you ,I admire your body,
your well shaped legs,and breasts.
Slowly I remove what wraps,
around your body so tighly,
fitting you like a glove.
Exposing your tender white skin.

From your neck I remove your charms,
and carry you off in my arms,
to the warm water that awaits.

The water cascades down your neck,
flowing over your soft breasts then,
making your legs glisten with wetness.
Droplets of water cover your taut skin.

My hands rub your body, ummmm
running them threw the beads of water.
Making them trickle down off your body.

I place my fingers inside you.
You are warm and moist,so ready.
I carry your still dripping body,
to a laying place,so that I can
put inside you what was well
prepared to enter you before
we even came through the door.

As soon as I lay you down
your legs spread open wide.
You are ready now and so am I.

I put a little in slowly at first,
getting a feel for how much you can take in.

I put in more, you take it willingly.
In anticipation, faster and faster
I put it in,,pushing it in deeply
as far as I can,,until I can't
put any more in,you are so tight.
With your legs wrapped tightly,
not wanting to release any of it,

I make you so hot for a very long time,
until your sweet juices escape from within.
Then I taste you, with my tongue at first,
your skin is so soft and tender.

I taste more of you with my mouth,
you are so hot and moist,you taste so good.

Your juices coating my mouth,
making me drool in anticipation
of eating you more,with every taste.

''Oh yes'', I say to you,

''I must say Grace''
''Thank God for Butterball turkey.... Amen''

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.

"Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

There are no dogs allowed here

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

Driving home very drunk

It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.

The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.

"Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was.

"Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he.

"And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.

"Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage.

"May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage.

Inside the garage was the state troopers car.

Pessimist and a dog

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

Real newspaper headlines

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the United States and world.

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Stud Tires Out

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

Joe, the governor's most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The governor depended on Joe for advice on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions. In addition, Joe had been his closest friend. So, it was understandable that the governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who wanted Joe's job.

"They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried," the governor muttered.

At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the governor's side.

"Governor," the man said, "is there a chance that I could take Joe's place?"

"Certainly," the governor replied. "But you'd better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished."

Old Whiskey

A man sits down at a bar and asks the bartender for 30 year old glass of whiskey.

The Bartender turns around and pulls a bottle of out of the cabinet and pours the glass and hands it to the man.

The man takes a drink and then spits it out and says "I asked for 30 year old whiskey! That's only 15 year old whiskey!"

So then the bartender turns around and and gets an old bottle and pours the man a glass.

The man takes a sip and says "I asked for 30 year old whiskey! Thats only 25 year old whiskey!"

So the bartender takes an old, spider web covered bottle and pours the man a glass

The man takes a sip and says "Aww now thats 30 year old whiskey!"

An old man at the end of the bar slides the man a glass and says "Take a sip of that"

The man takes a sip and he says "that tastes like piss"

The old man at the end of the bar says "I know, but tell me how old I am"

A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.

So the man says to his wife, "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill." She says nothing and ignores the remark.

A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill. Then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well.

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm going to fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says -
"Touchdown, tie score!"

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says -
"Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, -
"Touchdown, tie score!"
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says -
"Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!"

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"

One day a boy came walking home from school. On the way home he saw a creek. He quickly jumped in, clothes and all. When he arrived home completely soaked his dad asked, "Son what happened?" "I jumped in that creek down the road." "Why did you do that?" "I dunno." His dad was very angry and said, "If you jump in that creek again, just because, I'm gonna tan that hide - just because! Is that clear?" "Yes dad." replies his son. The next day, the boy came home walking from school, and sure enough when he saw that creek, he jumped right on in. When he went home, his dad knew what had happened and asked, "Didn't I tell you not to jump in that creek again?" "Yes dad, but Satan told me to do it!" His dad, being somewhat religous, decided to give his son the benefit of the doubt and tells him - "Next time Satan tells you to do something like that, say 'Satan get thee behind me in the name of Jesus'." "Ok dad." replied the son. Well the next day after school, the boy was walking across the bridge, and well you know the rest. He came home again soaked. His dad said, "I thought I told you what to say when you came to that creek!" "I said what you told me dad, and when I did, Satan pushed me in!"

There's a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs sitting by a lake. Several beautiful women are running laps around it and the man decides to use his disability to get affection from one of them. The next time one runs by him, the man calls to her:

"Excuse me Sweetheart, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you hug me?"

She looks around to make sure nobody's watching, leans down, and hugs him.

The man thinks, "Wow, I can't believe that worked!", and decides to try it again.

Another woman runs by him, and he calls out to her: "Excuse me Darling, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you kiss me?"

She looks around to make sure nobody is watching, leans down and gives him a kiss.

The man is amazed at how well this is working out for him!

The next time a woman runs by, he calls out to her: " Excuse me Beautiful, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you f**k me?"

The woman looks around to make sure nobody's watching her, leans down, picks the man up out of his chair, throws him in the lake and tells him:

"There... now you're f**ked!