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The Wal-Mart Greeter

FOR ADULT AUDIENCES ONLY! 

 A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart.  Nice children you have there.  Are they twins ?'


The ugly, nasty woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't.  The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins ?  Are you blind, or just stupid ?'


'I'm neither blind nor stupid,' replied the greeter. 'I just couldn't believe you got laid twice.  Have a good day.'

Entry #5

Faulty Slot Machine Credits Gamblers

ELIZABETH, Ind. - Prosecutors are considering criminal charges against casino gamblers who won big on a slot machine that had been installed with faulty software.

The machine at Caesars Indiana credited gamblers $10 for each dollar they inserted because the software wasn't designed for U.S. currency, state police said. More than two dozen people played the machine before one gambler alerted Caesars employees.

Caesars lost $487,000 on the machine during that time, state police said.

A decision on whether to bring criminal charges could come in a couple of weeks, said John Colin, chief deputy prosecutor for Harrison County. He said "criminal intent" may be involved when people play a machine they know is faulty.

The casino said some of the gamblers returned the money after the casino contacted them.

"This is a bit of an unusual case because you've got to go back and piece together who did what," Colin said. The prosecutor's office declined to say Thursday what criminal charges could be brought.

The incident occurred last July, but he said obtaining casino records took longer than expected.

Kathryn Ford of Louisville, Ky., the gambler who alerted the casino, said going after the other patrons was unfair.

When a slot machine jams and gamblers lose money, they don't get it back, she said.

"It doesn't work in the reverse," Ford said. "They need to forget it and move on."

 

Entry #4

Art Theft In Paris

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
(And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else. Well, I figured I had nothing Toulouse ! )

Entry #3

Another Lucky Winner!

Lotto winner's belongings go on the block

Palm Beach Post Staff Writer

Thursday, July 12, 2007

RIVIERA BEACH — In September 2001, a very lucky ex-con named David Lee Edwards arrived in Palm Beach County with $27 million and a history of drug abuse.

The $27 million was his take, after taxes, from Kentucky's Powerball lottery. Edwards, 46, had been laid off shortly before he bought the winning ticket at Clark's Pump N Shop in Ashland, Ky., a blue-collar town on the Ohio River where he grew up.

 

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He became a convict in the early 1980s after a gas station hold-up, followed by parole violations and arrests for drug possession. He was in and out of prison, and finally out for good in 1997.

With his sudden wealth, Edwards bought a $1.2 million home in Palm Beach Gardens' Ballen Isles community, a $240,000 Bentley and a $250,000 Lamborghini.

In December 2001, he married his fiancee, Shawna Renae Maddux, in Hawaii, and bought her a $250,000 electric blue Ferrari.

And then Edwards' troubled past apparently began to catch up with him.

In November 2005, the couple were arrested and charged with possession of cocaine and heroin. Shawna Edwards pleaded to a lesser charge. David Edwards' next scheduled court date is July 24, according to the State Attorney's Office.

In July 2006, that $1.2 million home was auctioned for $400,000.

And on Saturday, much of the home's contents will go on the block in the same industrial warehouse off Garden Road where Edwards spent his final days in Palm Beach County.

"It's a no-reserve auction," said Doug Holladay, the Jupiter auctioneer who will open the bidding at 11 a.m. "If the highest bid is $1, it sells for $1. Everything goes on Saturday."

Entry #2

Padding Your Accounts

A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.""Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!" The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."

"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

Entry #1
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