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Think Before You Speak

Published:

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls"

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.


FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever ! asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SUR E you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to t he weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!


Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh and remember we all say things we don't really mean, so think before you speak

Entry #13

Comments

1.
emilygComment by emilyg - October 4, 2006, 1:32 pm
funny!!!!!
2.
Rick GComment by Rick G - October 4, 2006, 2:22 pm
Sir Metro, those were great! Thanks for the laughs.
3.
justxploringComment by justxploring - October 4, 2006, 2:27 pm
Thanks, Shane...really cute.

Can't remember which wife, but I think it was Mrs. Arnold Palmer who walked off the Tonight Show. Johnny Carson asked her if she does anything special to encourage her husband before a tournament and she answered "I kiss his balls for good luck." He said "That must give him a pretty stiff putter." Can anyone verify that for me? I don't know if I actually saw that show or heard it so many times I honestly think I saw it!!

Regarding the snow story, the exact same thing happened on Jeopardy and Alex Trebec's eyes bulged out. It was on that "Bloopers" show but I saw the original game where they cut out his reaction and the audience laughing. In a very serious tone a sweet older lady was talking about her wedding and said something about how bad the storm was but in the morning she woke up to a good 8 inches! I cracked up.

The funniest (and stupiest) show I ever saw was the Newlywed Game, but I can't even repeat that one! All I can say is the wives were asked "Where's the strangest place you & your husband ever had sex?" Her card said "Up my a......" I wonder if these women were actually paid to be that dumb!



4.
SirMetroComment by SirMetro - October 4, 2006, 4:24 pm
Please know that the above was something shared with me. I did not write any of it, but I thought it was cute enough to share.
In regards to item 5, it reminds me of something that happened to me about 18 years ago. I was visiting with my Sister and her family and we had went Christmas shopping. Well, my great-neice wanted to go the bath room. So somehow, I was selected to escort her to the bathroom. Now keep in mind, I am a 22 year old single guy who has NEVER EVER dealt with young children before. So when she was finish, she asked me if she was clean. I had assumed she ment she wanted to wash her hands. Instead, when I turned around, she had her little behind up in the air for me to confirm if it was clean or not. Needless to say, I have never ever escorted another child to the restroom and I hope I never ever will again.
5.
justxploringComment by justxploring - October 4, 2006, 7:14 pm
I don't know why I called you Shane. I must have been looking cross-eyed at the home page. I think he had a blog entry just above yours. Maybe I was just dreaming about Alan Ladd, but I doubt it. (You're too young to know what I'm talking about!)

Sometimes the true stories are the funniest! Your story reminds of when I worked for family part-time many years ago to make extra money. The little boy went to the bathroom one day and did the same thing. He turned his little behind to me and asked me to wipe him clean. He was so adorable that it didn't bother me much, but it was such a shock. I had done a lot of babysitting, but that was a first for me.
6.
jordi mareyComment by jordi marey - October 5, 2006, 4:58 pm
really funny
7.
Litebets27Comment by Litebets27 - October 5, 2006, 5:28 pm
Thanks so much for the laughs.
8.
thousandairComment by thousandair - October 5, 2006, 6:28 pm
Thanks for making my day, im still lmao awesome !!!!!!

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