I was the only speaker to show up at the high school, so I had the stage to myself.

I talked about staying in school, getting good grades and all that usual bull; and since I had plenty of time because those other guys didn't show, I threw it open for questions.

The last one asked was, "Can you give us a couple of your life's philosophical beliefs?"

I said, "That's an easy one. Looking back over my lifetime, I've spent most of my money on guns, airplanes, fast cars, women, and whiskey.  The rest I just wasted."

I was escorted out without getting to finish my last two rules to live by:

 

1) If it flies, floats, it's cheaper to rent it.

 

2) If it's got tits or tires, you're gonna have problems with it.

 

I hope they invite me back next year so I can finish.  They need to know this !