1. Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
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 If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

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My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.
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Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting

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After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
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The Taliban TV guide:

MONDAYS
8:00 Husseinfeld
8:30 Mad About Everything
9:00 Monday Night Stoning
9:30 Win Bin Laden's Money
10:00 Eye for an Eye Witness News

TUESDAYS
8:00 Wheel of Terror and Fortune
8:30 The Price is Right if Osama Says It's Right
9:00 Children are Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things
9:30 Afganistan's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
10:00 My Mullah the Car

WEDNESDAYS
8:00 Beat The Press
8:30 Whose Jihad Is It Anyway?
9:00 Married With 139 Children
9:30 Just Shoot Everything
10:00 Veil Watch

THURSDAYS
8:00 Osama and Grace
8:30 Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire?
9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils
9:30 Sponge Bob Square Turban
10:00 My Favorite Martyr

FRIDAYS
8:00 Judge Omar
8:30 TeleTalibans
9:00 Captured Taliban Soldiers Say the Darndest Things
9:30 Cave and Garden Television
10:00 Allah McBeal
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What is the Iraqi air force motto?
I came, I saw, Iran 

Have you heard about the new Iraqi air force exercise program?
Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there. 

What's the five-day forecast for Baghdad?
Two days

What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
They both have Kurds in their way.

What is the best Iraqi job?
Foreign ambassador. 

Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
You only have to teach them to take off. 

How do you play Iraqi bingo?
.. B-52 ... F-16 ...B-2 

What is Iraq's national bird?
Duck

What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from! 

Why does the Iraqi navy have glass bottom boats? So they can see their air force.                         

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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
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In the year 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California. 


* Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped.

** Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

* Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

* France pleads for global help after being over taken by Jamaica.

* Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

* George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

* Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

* 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise are the keys to weight loss.

* Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

* Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

* Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

* Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

* Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

* New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

* Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

* IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. 

And last but certainly not the least... (I love it)..

* Florida voters still don't know how to use a voting machine.