I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'...
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks
and looked through to see what was going on.
Some nut poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
Good News / Bad News for Pastors
Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.
Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.
Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.
Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.
Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.
Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "Gong Show," "Beavis and Butthead" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre."
Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game.
Bad News: They beat your men's softball team.
Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.
Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.
Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land.
Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.
Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination.
Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit.
Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house.
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.
As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked,
"Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street
a couple of blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor
in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday.
I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on;
you don't even know the way to the post office."
A man in North Carolina had aflat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put abouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he gotback in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as hedrove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He askedthe fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
Theman responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in thefront and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
The drag queen walks into a Catholic church as the priest is comingdown the aisle swinging the incense pot. And he says to the priest,"Oh, honey, I love your dress, but did you know your handbag is onfire?"