An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample." 

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?" 

"What did he say? What's he want?" 

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the forest road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

' My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.'

The wolf jumps up and runs away.


Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. And this time he is crouched behind a bush. 'My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.'

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About a quarter mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.



'My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.'



With that the wolf jumps up and screams,

'Will you knock it off??!!! I'm trying to poop!!!!'

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!


"What happened?" asked the friend.




"My wife found out..."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Things You'll Never Hear At A Nascar Race

"None for me, thanks. That Skoal will do a number on your teeth."

"Hey, shut up! I can't hear the race."

"Dating your own sister? Man, that's sick!"

"My God, this is a splendid Merlot!"

"Hey, you with the large chest. Out of the way! We're trying to watch a race here!"

"Chesterton, be a good lad and retrieve the Wall Street Journal from my atache case."

"What a coincidence, Hank. All my friends are boycotting Hooters, too!"

"These are even better seats than we had for the Lionel Richie concert!"

"Whew! No more beer for me, fellas."

"And now... Singing our National Anthem, international recording artist, Boy George!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" 
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." 

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. 

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. 

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A father asked his 10-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. 

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears, "Promise me you won't tell me!" 

Confused, the father asked what was wrong. 

The boy sobbed... "When I was six, I got the There's no Santa speech." 

"At seven, I got the There's no Easter Bunny speech." 

"When I was eight you hit me with the There's no Tooth Fairy speech." 

"If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx