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Process...

Published:

Last Edited: May 29, 2009, 8:07 pm

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People use each other
as a healing for their pain. They put each other
on their existential wounds,
on eye, on mouth and open hand.
They hold each other hard and won’t let go.

Let me under your wing
and be for me mother and sister
and let your bosom be a refuge for my head
nest for my banished prayers.

I will confess a secret to you:
My soul burned in a flame;
They say there is love in the world,
What is love?

“A wrestling match.” He laughs.
“Yes, you could describe life that way.”
So which side wins, I ask?
“Which side wins?”
He smiles at me, the crinkled eyes, the crooked teeth.
“Love wins. Love always wins.”

As there are as many
minds as there are heads,
so there are as many kinds
of love as there are hearts.
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INITIAL ATTRACTION AND SUBSEQUENT STRESS
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Attraction
Wife: He was a very persistent pursuer, made me feel desirable and adored.
Husband: She seemed like a dream come true, unapproachable.
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Stress
Wife: He doesn’t let me breathe; he is always in my face.
Husband: She never lets me feel like she wants me.
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Attraction
Wife: He gave me a sense of security, was always there, always reliable.
Husband: There was something mysterious about her.
-----------
Stress
Wife: He is boring.
Husband: She is never completely there, there’s no true intimacy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Attraction
Wife: He seemed like the kind of a man who would reach high, be a success.
Husband: She seemed like someone who could build a home for me.
-----------
Stress
Wife: He travels a lot, meets all kinds of people, is never home.
Husband: She is too homely, not exciting.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Attraction
Wife: He seemed very easy-going.
Husband: I liked her energy. She was very active, things were always happening around her.
-----------
Stress
Wife: He doesn’t stand up for his own rights, is not assertive.
Husband: She explodes at the slightest provocation, has tantrums.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Attraction
Wife: He seemed very smart, very capable.
Husband: She respected me. I felt accepted and appreciated.
-----------
Stress
Wife: He makes me feel stupid and incompetent.
Husband: She feels bad about herself and blames me. Attraction
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Attraction
Wife: He was like a rock, strong, someone you can lean on.
Husband: She seemed very sensitive, good “wife” material.
-----------
Stress
Wife: He is like a block, you can’t convince him of anything.
Husband: She is too sensitive, too involved with the home and the children.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Attraction
Wife: He seemed fatherly and wise, someone you can rely on.
Husband: She was like a little girl who needs protection, vulnerable, sensitive.
-----------
Stress
Wife: His fatherly calm can drive me nuts, I try to shake him up.
Husband: Her childish tantrums are very hard to take.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Attraction
Wife. He seemed very wise, mature, and knowledgeable about life.
Husband: She seemed full of life, loved nature, was open to the world.
-----------
Stress
Wife: He tries to teach me all the time, and wants to tie me to the house.
Husband: She doesn’t take care of the house, is not a housewife.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Attraction
Husband: I was impressed by her. She seemed very competent and very confident.
Wife: He was adoring and tried to impress me. I liked it. It made me feel special.
-----------
Stress
Husband: I feel put down by er. She doesn’t respect my wishes, is withholding.
Wife: He behaves like an irresponsible child and forces me to be the bad mother.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Attraction 
Wife: He adored me. I was the center of his world.
Husband: She was beautiful and smart, all my friends envied me.
-----------
Stress
Wife: He is jealous and possessive. His insecurity drives me nuts.
Husband: She criticizes me and puts me down. It hurts my feelings.
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  • An intimate relationship provides one of the best opportunities for mastering unresolved childhood issues.
  • Unconscious forces more than logical considerations dictate those with whom we fall in love.
  • The unconscious choice is of the most appropriate person with whom the individual can reenact childhood experiences. Such a person combines the most significant traits of both parents.
  • Negative traits have more of an impact on romantic choices, especially in obsessive loves, than do positive traits, because the injury or deprivation caused by them needs healing.
  • The more traumatic the childhood injury, and the greater the similarity between the partner and the injuring parent, the more intense the experience of falling in love.
  • In falling in love there is a return to the primal symbiosis with Mother, a perfect union with no ego boundaries. This is why we only fall in love with one person at a time. The return to the lost paradise recreates the expectation that the lover will fill all infantile needs.
  • Since falling in love is dictated by an internal romantic image, lovers feel as if they have known each other forever. And since it involves a reenactment of very specific and very powerful childhood experiences, lovers feel that the beloved is “the one and only” and that the loss of the beloved is unbearable.
  • When a couple falls in love, their unconscious choice is mutual and complementary, enabling both partners to express their own “core issues.” Together they create their “core issue” as a couple, the issue around which most of their later conflicts center.
  • Understanding the connection between unresolved childhood issues and later problems reduces feelings of guilt and blame, and helps both partners take responsibility for their parts in the relationship problems. It helps couples turn problems into opportunities for personal and couple growth.
  • Couples who listen to each other’s feelings and needs, express empathy, and give each other the things they ask for, can keep the romantic spark alive indefinitely. The reason for this is that expressing empathy and granting the partner’s wishes that grow out of the connection between the couple dynamic and childhood issues, is the best way to bring about personal and couple growth. As the partners grow psychologically, their relationship grows. And growth is the antithesis of burnout.

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Good Luck and God Bless You

Entry #62

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