emilyg's Blog

You think you have lived to be 80 plus and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,

Are you a real pilot?

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:

"Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

.

I stopped by the Ford Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new F-150 aluminum pickup.

Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new truck "feel" before they become old.

The salesperson (a nice looking woman wearing a "Hillary for President" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.

The seats were of particular interest. She explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.

Looking a bit angry, she asked why I thought it was a Republican truck.

I explained that if it were a Hillary truck, the seats would just blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership. She had no sense of humor.

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Butch the Rooster       

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.   She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.   He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.  Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

The moral of the story?

Vote carefully in the next election.

You can't always hear the bells.

( If you don't send this on, you're chicken   ......   no yoke! )

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>
> The true story of the Chicken Gun. Too funny not to share!
>
> Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist to understand physics!
>
> Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound Dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space Shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the Frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of The windshields.
>
> British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and A gun was sent to the British engineers.
>
> WHEN THE GUN WAS FIRED, THE BRITISH ENGINEERS STOOD SHOCKED AS THE CHICKEN HURLED OUT OF THE BARREL, CRASHED INTO THE SHATTERPROOF SHIELD, SMASHED IT TO SMITHEREENS, BLASTED THROUGH THE CONTROL CONSOLE, SNAPPED THE ENGINEER'S BACK-REST IN TWO, AND EMBEDDED ITSELF IN THE BACK WALL OF THE CABIN, LIKE AN ARROW SHOT FROM A BOW.
>
> THE HORRIFIED BRITS SENT NASA THE DISASTROUS RESULTS OF THE EXPERIMENT, ALONG WITH THE DESIGNS OF THE WINDSHIELD AND BEGGED THE U.S SCIENTISTS FOR SUGGESTIONS.
>
> NASA RESPONDED WITH A ONE-LINE MEMO�
>
> "DEFROST THE CHICKEN."
> (TRUE STORY)

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Dear Abby,

My husband hasn't worked for the last 14 years.  All he does is  get dressed in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies.  I know he's cheated on me many times with young girls who could be his  granddaughters.

I know because he brags about this to me. He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive Champagne day and night. We sleep in separate beds because he's always telling me he knows I'm a lesbian and my varicose veins and hairy back turn him off!

Should I clobber him with my frying pan, or should I leave him, Abby?  Your advice would be appreciated .....

Mad as Hell

Dear Mad as Hell,

You don't have to take that kind of treatment from any man. I suggest you pack your bags and move out a.s.a.p! Don't resort to clobbering him with the frying pan, and try to act like a lady!

Remember ..... you're running for President of the United States, so try acting like one!

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The making of a politician............

A father told his 3 sons when he sent them to the
university: "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible
education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want
you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my
coffin when I die."

And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a
financial planner, each very successful financially. When their
father's time had come and they saw their father in the coffin, they
remembered his wish.

First, it was the doctor who put 10 $100 bills onto the chest of the
deceased.

Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn.  He dipped into his
pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into
his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash

He later went on to become a member of Congress...

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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "OK. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you OK?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

Don't mess with old peopl

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