emilyg's Blog

Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.  Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.  The driver is a real weirdo, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.  The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.  The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

As the officer finished writing the ticket he put an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.  He then handed it to the 'violator' for his signature.  The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says; "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an <snip>!"

Two months later they're in court.  The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer, is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

The Officer responds; "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

The Lawyer then asks; "Officer is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

The Officer responds; "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

The Lawyer then asks "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

The Officer then responds; "Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

The Lawyer then asks; "Aggressive and hostile?"

The Officer responds; "Yes, Sir."

The Lawyer finally asks; "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for <snip>?"

The Officer responds; "Well sir, you do know your client better than I do!"

~~ How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client? ~~

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AARP- American Association of Retired People
Questions and Answers from
AARP Forum
Q:         Where can single men over the age of 70 find
younger women who are interested in them?
     
A:         Try a bookstore, under
FICTION.
Q:         What can a man do while his wife is going
through menopause?
     
A:         Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can
finish the basement.  When you're done, you will have a place to
live.
Q:         Someone has told me that menopause is
mentioned in the bible... Is that true?
Where can it be
found?
     
A:         Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode
Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt
...."
Q:         How can you increase the heart rate of your
over-70 year-old husband?
     
A:         Tell him you're
pregnant.
Q:         How can you avoid that terrible curse of the
elderly wrinkles?
     
A:         Take off your
glasses.
Q:         Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet
and all those wrinkles on my face?
     
A:         Go braless. It will usually pull them
out..
Q:         Why should 70-plus year old people use valet
parking?
     
A:         Valets don't forget where they park your
car.
Q:         Is it common for 70-plus year olds to have
problems with  short term memory storage?
     
A:         Storing memory is not a problem. Retrieving it
is the problem.
Q:         As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
     
A:         Yes, but usually in the
afternoon.
Q:         Where should 70-plus year olds look for eye
glasses?
     
A:         On their
foreheads.
Q:         What is the most common remark made by 70-plus
year olds when they enter antique stores?
     
A:         "Gosh, I remember
these!"
SMILE,
You've still got your sense of
humor, haven't you?

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I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every ten seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' Were bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some ***hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.....

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.... We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however..... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push-ups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too..... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave or to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those terrorists..... The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million hacked off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50.... in menopause! You think MEN have attitudes? Ohhhhhhhh my goodness!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
Send this to all of your senior friends in big type so they can read it.

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Sally applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove

And seemed to be far too qualified for the job.   She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and a school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said:    "I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chrysler's and I voted twice for Obama."

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At church Sunday morning, the preacher brought out 3 earthworms and 3 test tubes

He explained that he was going to try an experiment with the worms and that there would be a moral to the story

He then dropped the 1st worm into a test tube containing whiskey

The next worm went into a test tube filled with smoke

The last worm was dropped into a test tube filled with plain ol' dirt

Then the preacher continued with his sermon for about 30 minutes

He then checked the first test tube....the worm was dead

Same with the second test tube.......the worm was dead

Picking up the 3rd test tube, every one was amazed that the worm was alive !

Then he asked the worshippers if anyone knew the moral to this experiment

A little 4 year old girl shouted   " Yes !!!!  If you drink and smoke, you will never get worms ! "

'nuff said..

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who are afraid to share my posts about dems and Obama because you think a Swat team will

come knocking on your door.

That is crazy!

Swat teams don't knock!

                     

On Tuesday, Stephen Colbert made the transition from a fake conservative pundit to an equally fake late night talk show host. This time, though, he's actually trying to be real, taking over for David Letterman on "The Late Show" at CBS.

On Colbert's first show, the host spent six minutes simply bashing Donald Trump, including a jaw-droppingly inappropriate bit where he put the 2016 Republican front-runner's visage on screen at the same time as a picture of Klansmen burning a cross.

Not only was the stunt in profoundly poor taste, it was also erroneous � the KKK was founded by Democrats and for many years acted as an official party arm in Dixie.

Whatever the case, America was turned off by the stunt, and they showed it by turning their TVs off. Colbert had a strong 4.9 rating on his first night on the air, but that dipped to a 3.2 estimated overnight rating for his Wednesday show, a drop of more than 35 percent.

The numbers were virtually identical to NBC's "Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon," in spite of the fact that Fallon is hardly new to the job. Even Chevy Chase thinks those numbers are bad.

In addition, Colbert only got a 0.8 in the coveted 18-49 demographic, down almost 50 percent from his first night's 1.5 rating in the same group.

Believe it or not, Colbert's KKK faux pas wasn't the only thing that the host did to outrage conservatives. Colbert also devoted no time to jokes about Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders � in spite of the fact that seems like rather low-hanging fruit � and also had former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush on as one of his first guests (H