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Lottery Jokes

Topic closed. 15 replies. Last post 8 years ago by AlecWest.

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United States
Member #17555
June 22, 2005
5582 Posts
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Posted: September 2, 2008, 2:16 am - IP Logged

Did you hear about the million dollar Polish lottery? A dollar a year for a million years?...lol

C,mon...keep em going...

    Coin Toss's avatar - shape barbed.jpg
    Zeta Reticuli Star System
    United States
    Member #30470
    January 17, 2006
    10356 Posts
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    Posted: September 2, 2008, 10:01 am - IP Logged

    A woman watches the lottery drawing, checks the numbers and let's out a scream.

    Her husband says, "What happened, honey?"

    She says, "I won the lottery, pack your bags!"

    He says, "Where are we going?"

    She says, "We? Just pack your bags and leave!"

    _____________________________________________

    Two archaeologists are in a cave in Egypt and discover some very odd looking hieroglyphics on the cave wall. Both are expert Egyptologists and agree they've never seen writings like this.

    They take their cell phones and take pictures and send them back to their university to see if anyone can translate them.

    A few hours later, they get a text message:

    As far as we can tell, it says;

    Avoid the temptation of triples in the Cleopatra Pick 3 just because it's an automatic straight if you hit.

    It also says, "In the King Tut 5 + 1, 70% to 80% of the winners are quick picks."

    Those who run the lotteries love it when players look for consistency in something that's designed not to have any.

    Lep

    There is one and only one 'proven' system, and that is to book the action. No matter the game, let the players pick their own losers.

      CARBOB's avatar - FL LOTTERY_LOGO.png
      ORLANDO, FLORIDA
      United States
      Member #4924
      June 3, 2004
      5914 Posts
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      Posted: September 2, 2008, 10:11 am - IP Logged

      Three clergymen split on a lottery ticket and they won the grand prize of a million dollars. The first one, a baptist minister says "this is a blessing, but how much do we keep for ourselves and how much should we give to God"?       
            After a few minutes he said "I know we'll draw a circle and throw the money up in the air,whatever lands out of the circle we'll keep and whatever lands in the circle we'll give to God."       
            The Priest pipes up and says, "You know it's a little windy, I think we should throw thw money up in the air and whatever lands inside the circle we keep and whatever lands outside of the circle we give to God."       
            They then turn to the rabbi and ask his opinion, and the rabbi says.       
            "I think we should throw the money up in the air and and whatever God wants he can keep and we'll keep the rest for ourselves."

        lottocalgal's avatar - Lottery-043.jpg
        CA
        United States
        Member #57222
        December 23, 2007
        587 Posts
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        Posted: September 2, 2008, 3:36 pm - IP Logged

        A woman watches the lottery drawing, checks the numbers and let's out a scream.

        Her husband says, "What happened, honey?"

        She says, "I won the lottery, pack your bags!"

        He says, "Where are we going?"

        She says, "We? Just pack your bags and leave!"

        _____________________________________________

        Two archaeologists are in a cave in Egypt and discover some very odd looking hieroglyphics on the cave wall. Both are expert Egyptologists and agree they've never seen writings like this.

        They take their cell phones and take pictures and send them back to their university to see if anyone can translate them.

        A few hours later, they get a text message:

        As far as we can tell, it says;

        Avoid the temptation of triples in the Cleopatra Pick 3 just because it's an automatic straight if you hit.

        It also says, "In the King Tut 5 + 1, 70% to 80% of the winners are quick picks."

        hey Coin,

        I liked first one.  I would love to tell that one to  my fellow lotto players  however, the only friends cool enough to share my Lotto interests  are all of you.  And you have heard it already.

        hahahahhehehehahahh


          United States
          Member #17555
          June 22, 2005
          5582 Posts
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          Posted: September 2, 2008, 6:31 pm - IP Logged

          Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

            JAP69's avatar - alas
            South Carolina
            United States
            Member #6
            November 4, 2001
            8790 Posts
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            Posted: September 2, 2008, 6:50 pm - IP Logged

             Two monogramed towels side by side in the bathroom.

            1st towel [daily numbers

            2nd towel [ scratchers

            MAGA


              United States
              Member #17555
              June 22, 2005
              5582 Posts
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              Posted: September 2, 2008, 8:06 pm - IP Logged

               Two monogramed towels side by side in the bathroom.

              1st towel [daily numbers

              2nd towel [ scratchers

              1st towel: Midday

              2nd " " " : Evening

                                               Banana

                                                                              Embarassed

                        Naughty

               

                lotterybraker's avatar - pyramid
                mississippi
                United States
                Member #34478
                March 3, 2006
                5903 Posts
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                Posted: September 2, 2008, 9:48 pm - IP Logged

                Three clergymen split on a lottery ticket and they won the grand prize of a million dollars. The first one, a baptist minister says "this is a blessing, but how much do we keep for ourselves and how much should we give to God"?       
                      After a few minutes he said "I know we'll draw a circle and throw the money up in the air,whatever lands out of the circle we'll keep and whatever lands in the circle we'll give to God."       
                      The Priest pipes up and says, "You know it's a little windy, I think we should throw thw money up in the air and whatever lands inside the circle we keep and whatever lands outside of the circle we give to God."       
                      They then turn to the rabbi and ask his opinion, and the rabbi says.       
                      "I think we should throw the money up in the air and and whatever God wants he can keep and we'll keep the rest for ourselves."

                hahahaha..I really liked this one..

                "Attention all Mathematicians: Check your degree at the door because when it comes to whole numbers you are the Amateur"

                  djklaugh's avatar - Lottery-031.jpg
                  Portland,Oregon
                  United States
                  Member #14387
                  April 25, 2005
                  229 Posts
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                  Posted: September 5, 2008, 12:42 am - IP Logged

                  The mathematics department at a major university had a raffle. The price of the tickets was a bit spendy at $10 a piece but the prize was tantalizing: an infinite amount of money paid to the winner for an infinite amount of time.  With such a prize on the line, the tickets sold like hotcakes, and the department soon raised thousands of dollars.

                  When the winner was announced, he gleefully came down to the department office to claim his prize.  He found the department head, presented his winning raffle ticket, and requested his winnings. The department head congratulated the man, and happily pulled $1 from his pocket and handed it to the winner.

                  "What is this?!", demanded the winner. "You promised an infinite amount of money over an infinite amount of time!"

                  "Oh, yes. This is just the first installment", replied the mathemetician happily. "Next week you'll get 1/2 dollar, the following week 1/3 dollar, 1/4 dollar the week after that ...."

                  Djklaugh

                    Some things have to be believed to be seen.

                  "I have not failed. I have just found ten thousand things that don't work".  Thomas Edison

                    angelm's avatar - anne
                    richmond ky.
                    United States
                    Member #15877
                    May 22, 2005
                    8472 Posts
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                    Posted: September 5, 2008, 10:44 am - IP Logged

                    One day Steve came home after losing a lot of money playing golf. A short while later his wife, Julie, came home from work wearing a new fur coat. "Hey, where'd you get that coat?" he asked her.

                    "Can you believe? My boss won on a lottery ticket and this was my share!" she explained.

                    A week later, Julie drove home a new car and once again explained that it was all part of the lottery winnings. A few weeks after that she came home wearing an expensive necklace and matching earrings. She came home a few nights later and told Steve she was very tired and asked if he could please start a bath for her. But when she got to the bathroom, there was only an inch of water in the tub. "Why did you put in so little water?" she asked her husband.

                    "Well, WE DON'T WANT YOUR LOTTERY TICKET GETTING TOO WET NOW, DO WE?"

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                      philly
                      United States
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                      July 14, 2002
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                      Posted: September 5, 2008, 4:24 pm - IP Logged

                      I went to the Philly Park on Labor Day to play a some horses with some friends.  I really like this horse called lotterybell. So I played $10.00 to win, and it was going off at  20 to 1. My friends noticed this and began to laugh. I asked what was wrong? they then told that the rest of the horses left at 12:30.Party

                        JonnyBgood07's avatar - Patriots logo1.jpg
                        Connecticut
                        United States
                        Member #61623
                        May 29, 2008
                        20581 Posts
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                        Posted: September 5, 2008, 8:36 pm - IP Logged

                         A blonde was in Vegas vacationing with friends. She was standing in front of the candy machine and put two coins in, turned the knob and a candy bar fell out.

                        She picked up the candy bar and put it in her pocket, then she proceeded to put two more coins into the slot and turned the knob, again a candy bar fell out and she put it in her pocket.

                        She put two more coins into the machine and again turned the knob producing yet another candy bar.

                        A man was watching from a short distance away and walked up to her, he said "Excuse me Miss? What are you doing?"

                        She said, "Duh! I'm winning here!"

                          grengrad's avatar - nw rogue.jpg
                          Raleigh
                          United States
                          Member #49057
                          January 17, 2007
                          172 Posts
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                          Posted: September 8, 2008, 10:18 am - IP Logged

                           A blonde was in Vegas vacationing with friends. She was standing in front of the candy machine and put two coins in, turned the knob and a candy bar fell out.

                          She picked up the candy bar and put it in her pocket, then she proceeded to put two more coins into the slot and turned the knob, again a candy bar fell out and she put it in her pocket.

                          She put two more coins into the machine and again turned the knob producing yet another candy bar.

                          A man was watching from a short distance away and walked up to her, he said "Excuse me Miss? What are you doing?"

                          She said, "Duh! I'm winning here!"

                          I think it sounds better with this as the punchline:

                          She said, "Go away! I am on a winning streak!"

                           

                          I tried it on 3 people with success.

                            AlecWest's avatar - alec
                            Vader, Washington
                            United States
                            Member #29697
                            January 5, 2006
                            108 Posts
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                            Posted: September 8, 2008, 1:17 pm - IP Logged

                            A variation on a "lawyer" joke (interchangable):

                            One day, the winner of a large lottery jackpot visited his financial planner to check on his investments.  On the way home to his luxury mansion, he told the driver of his stretch-limo to drive by a city park so he could see the sights.  But, while driving by the park, he saw 5 disheveled homeless people eating grass off the lawn.  He ordered his driver to stop and called out the window, "You people ... come with me to my mansion and I'll see you get a good hearty meal."

                            The homeless people all piled into his car.  And, after a few minutes, one of them said, "Mister, I can't thank you enough for being so generous."  The jackpot winner replied, "Think nothing of it.  Besides, at my mansion, the grass is at least 3 inches taller."

                            (oooooo)

                            Regards -- J. Alec West

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                              Kingston, Ontario
                              Canada
                              Member #46867
                              October 5, 2006
                              106 Posts
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                              Posted: September 11, 2008, 1:10 am - IP Logged

                              Jimmy has bought 5000 instant lottery tickets and is getting very upset that he spent his life savings.  After scratching the 4999th ticket, He says to his friend, "Tom, I have scratched almost every ticket and yet to come up with a winner"...as he gets scratchign the 5000th ticket, he stops suddenly and yells out  'I finally won !"

                              His friend says, " What did you win Jimmy, what did you win ?!!!

                              Jimmy says, "a free ticket ! "

                              "Together We're Making Good Things Happen,  Ontario's Lotteries...WE ALL WIN"