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emilyg's Blog

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May 28, 2016, 9:01 pmMiss Kitty's prs. wk 5-29

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Entry #1,870
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May 28, 2016, 3:26 pmHollywood Squares - LOL

These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares'game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!

Q..

Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing alot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

...

Entry #1,869
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May 21, 2016, 7:58 pmMiss Kitty's prs. wk 5-22

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May 14, 2016, 8:41 pmMiss Kitty's prs. wk 5-15

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May 7, 2016, 8:05 pmMiss Kitty's prs. wk 5-8

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May 2, 2016, 2:57 pmNew Seniors' Complex...

New Seniors' Complex

On the first day at the new seniors complex, the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules:

"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females.

Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, " Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.

Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180.

Are there any questions?"

At this point, Cortelloni, an older gentleman, stood up in the crowd and inquired:

"How much for a season pass???

Entry #1,865
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April 30, 2016, 9:06 pmMiss Kitty's prs. wk. 5-1

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April 25, 2016, 10:50 pmAre you a real pilot?

You think you have lived to be 80 plus and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,

Are you a real pilot?

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:

"Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

.

Entry #1,863
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April 24, 2016, 7:14 pmNew Ford Truck...

I stopped by the Ford Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new F-150 aluminum pickup.

Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new truck "feel" before they become old.

The salesperson (a nice looking woman wearing a "Hillary for President" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.

The seats were of particular interest. She explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.

Looking a bit angry, she asked why I thought it was a Republican truck.

I explained that if it were a Hillary truck, the seats would just blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership. She had no sense of humor.

Entry #1,862
View and Add Comments  (7 Comments)

April 23, 2016, 8:51 pmMiss Kitty's prs. wk. 4-24

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Entry #1,861
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April 20, 2016, 8:25 pmDutch the Rooster...

Butch the Rooster       

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.   She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.   He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.  Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

The moral of the story?

Vote carefully in the next election.

You can't always hear the bells.

( If you don't send this on, you're chicken   ......   no yoke! )

Entry #1,860
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April 16, 2016, 9:27 pmMiss Kitty's prs. wk. 4-17

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April 12, 2016, 10:47 pmTrue Chicken Story...

>
> The true story of the Chicken Gun. Too funny not to share!
>
> Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist to understand physics!
>
> Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound Dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space Shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the Frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of The windshields.
>
> British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and A gun was sent to the British engineers.
>
> WHEN THE GUN WAS FIRED, THE BRITISH ENGINEERS STOOD SHOCKED AS THE CHICKEN HURLED OUT OF THE BARREL, CRASHED INTO THE SHATTERPROOF SHIELD, SMASHED IT TO SMITHEREENS, BLASTED THROUGH THE CONTROL CONSOLE, SNAPPED THE ENGINEER'S BACK-REST IN TWO, AND EMBEDDED ITSELF IN THE BACK WALL OF THE CABIN, LIKE AN ARROW SHOT FROM A BOW.
>
> THE HORRIFIED BRITS SENT NASA THE DISASTROUS RESULTS OF THE EXPERIMENT, ALONG WITH THE DESIGNS OF THE WINDSHIELD AND BEGGED THE U.S SCIENTISTS FOR SUGGESTIONS.
>
> NASA RESPONDED WITH A ONE-LINE MEMO�
>
> "DEFROST THE CHICKEN."
> (TRUE STORY)

Entry #1,858
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April 9, 2016, 8:46 pmMiss Kitty's prs. wk. 4-10

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April 2, 2016, 9:03 pmMiss Kitty's prs. wk. 4-3

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