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emilyg's Blog

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November 24, 2015, 3:27 pmM&M's and migrants


Entry #1,827
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November 21, 2015, 8:38 pmMiss Kitty's prs. wk 11-22

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Entry #1,826

November 18, 2015, 10:12 pmGo Putin...

Putin: 'To Forgive The Terrorists Is Up To God, But To Send Them To Him Is Up To Me'

Entry #1,825
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November 17, 2015, 4:03 pmTodd Starnes - good message

logo      Todd's American Dispatch

Daily Update
The Dispatch
We're not Islamophobic, Mr. Obama, we just don't want to get blown up

If wanting to keep the radical Islamists out of our nation makes me an extremist -- then so be it.

Entry #1,824
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November 14, 2015, 8:09 pmMiss Kitty's prs. wk 11-15

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Entry #1,823

November 11, 2015, 2:52 pmProfessional Athletes...lol

Why Professional Athletes Can't Get Regular Jobs, and
The danger of having sports figures as role models for kids.

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the ' kin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too." 

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: " I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height. "And, You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' "

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:  "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:  "I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

Ah, but they ride to the bank in a Mercedes. . . .

Entry #1,822
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November 9, 2015, 4:40 pmChinese Sex...


While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!"

The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes,
Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid American docttah, always want opawate.  Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"

"Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two week. Faw off by itself!!!!"

Entry #1,821
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November 7, 2015, 9:43 pmMiss Kitty's prs. wk 11-8

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November 5, 2015, 3:39 pmCoyote hunting...

> > The old fellow in the big cowboy hat got a standing
> > ovation

> > The Sierra Club and the U. S. Forest Service were
> > presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for
> controlling the
> > coyote population.
> >
> > It seems that after years of the ranchers using the
> > tried and true method of shooting or trapping the
> predators, the Sierra
> > Club had a "more humane" solution to this
> issue.
> >
> > What they were proposing was for the animals to be
> > captured alive. The males would then be castrated and
> let loose again.
> > This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by
> the U. S. Forest
> > Service.
> >
> > All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea
> > for a couple of minutes.
> >
> > Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the
> > back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat
> back and said ...
> > "Son, I don't think you understand our problem
> here.
> > These coyotes ain't <snip>in' our sheep ...
> they're eatin' 'em!"
> >
> > The meeting never really got back to order.

Entry #1,819
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November 3, 2015, 9:38 pmEstate Planning...

Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.  Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

Entry #1,818
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November 2, 2015, 9:43 pmYou gotta love this policeman...

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.  The driver is a real weirdo, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.  The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.  The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

As the officer finished writing the ticket he put an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.  He then handed it to the 'violator' for his signature.  The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says; "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an <snip>!"

Two months later they're in court.  The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer, is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

The Officer responds; "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

The Lawyer then asks; "Officer is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

The Officer responds; "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

The Lawyer then asks "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

The Officer then responds; "Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

The Lawyer then asks; "Aggressive and hostile?"

The Officer responds; "Yes, Sir."

The Lawyer finally asks; "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for <snip>?"

The Officer responds; "Well sir, you do know your client better than I do!"

~~ How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client? ~~

Entry #1,817
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October 31, 2015, 8:22 pmMiss Kitty's prs. wk 11-1

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October 30, 2015, 3:52 pmAARP Questions - LOL

AARP- American Association of Retired People
Questions and Answers from
AARP Forum
Q:         Where can single men over the age of 70 find
younger women who are interested in them?
A:         Try a bookstore, under
Q:         What can a man do while his wife is going
through menopause?
A:         Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can
finish the basement.  When you're done, you will have a place to
Q:         Someone has told me that menopause is
mentioned in the bible... Is that true?
Where can it be
A:         Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode
Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt
Q:         How can you increase the heart rate of your
over-70 year-old husband?
A:         Tell him you're
Q:         How can you avoid that terrible curse of the
elderly wrinkles?
A:         Take off your
Q:         Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet
and all those wrinkles on my face?
A:         Go braless. It will usually pull them
Q:         Why should 70-plus year old people use valet
A:         Valets don't forget where they park your
Q:         Is it common for 70-plus year olds to have
problems with  short term memory storage?
A:         Storing memory is not a problem. Retrieving it
is the problem.
Q:         As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A:         Yes, but usually in the
Q:         Where should 70-plus year olds look for eye
A:         On their
Q:         What is the most common remark made by 70-plus
year olds when they enter antique stores?
A:         "Gosh, I remember
You've still got your sense of
humor, haven't you?

Entry #1,815
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October 25, 2015, 1:34 amMiss Kitty's prs. wk 10-25

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October 18, 2015, 1:49 pmWar on Terror...

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every ten seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' Were bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some ***hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.....

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.... We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however..... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push-ups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too..... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave or to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those terrorists..... The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million hacked off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50.... in menopause! You think MEN have attitudes? Ohhhhhhhh my goodness!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
Send this to all of your senior friends in big type so they can read it.

Entry #1,813
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