What do you call a deer with no eyes ?
I have no I-Deer
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Why do gerillas have big nostralls?
Coz they got big fingers!!!!!!!!!
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Q. What's pink and fluffy
A. Pink fluff
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One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.
She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "BREASTS."
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Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?
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Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
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How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?
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A young man told his Father, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"
With that he headed toward the door. His Father rose and followed close behind.
"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."
"Who's trying to stop you?" replied the old man. - "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you!"
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If "GH" can stand for "P" as in "Hiccough"
If "OUGH" can stand for "O" as in "Dough"
If "PHTH" can stand for "T" as in "Phthisis"
If "EIGH" can stand for "A" as in "Neighbor"
If "TTE" can stand for "T" as in "Gazette"
If "EAU" can stand for "O" as in "Plateau"
Then the right way to spell POTATO should be:
"GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU"
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State Mottos
Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than
Your Honda
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's
Don't Own It Yet
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The
Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism
Campaign
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax
Brackets)
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes....10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes and 5000 fish
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies And
Very Little Else
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right
Here!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To
An Attorney...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Oregon: Spotted Owl.. It's What's For Dinner
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Tennessee: The Educashun State
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Vermont: Yep
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family....Really!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
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Handy Engineering Conversions.....
Handy Engineering Conversions.....
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1
bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour:
Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1
lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think about it
for a moment)
453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it...)
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital: 1 I.V. League
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Old Girlfriend's Miniskirt
When short hemlines came back into fashion, my old girlfriend dug an old miniskirt out of her closet.
She tried it on, but couldn't figure out what to do with her other leg.
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